Primarily it is the wreck which is my physical and mental health. That is all stuff I've faced alone for a long time.
I am taking antidepressant medication. I thought I could handle the side effects but taking them on an empty stomach washed down with alcohol is a way to intensify them. I hoped it would also accelerate the active effect.
I've been a mess for the past few days. The nausea has been difficult. They feel chemically too. This is hard to describe. I am usually ok with side effects but the mental place I was in meant they redoubled in impacting on me.
St johns wort is a much better option but for reasons I've explained in an earlier post I've had to take the strong stuff.
Indoingso I think I made things worse in the short term. I have given up when I contact a doctor and reach for psychiatric medication. So I've been doing less of the other things I should do to keep a good mental state. I just sat in my room playing facebook games. No fresh air. No exercise. No alcohol. No cannabis. All things which would make me worse. And I have been sleeping 12 hours or more for the past few days. No wonder I feel shit. And, of course, I am eating no better. Worse perhaps.
All that was easy enough but there's a new variable. I seem to care about someone else a lot and I had hoped to have a good weekend with her. I couldn't see her. Except perhaps for today. The whole weekend has been awful.
Today I felt good. I didn't eat nor take my medication yesterday. I slept a good 12hrs. Of course my beloved makes me feel better. But nothing else makes sense.
And so I have returned to the park. It is raining. I have a bottle of wine I'm working my way through.
I haven't thought about suicide much for the past few days either. This is strange, and scary.
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