Living with suicide

This is about living while wanting to die.

For many years I've wished I was dead. Sometimes this was daily thoughts of wanting to end it. Sometimes it is simply a wish to be dead rather than alive. Most times it is just the wish or the hope that death will come soon, that the eternal peace of nonexistance - my only hope - will finally come. Sometimes I've done something about it.

Its a difficult thing to live with. There are times when I need to talk about it but I'm scared of scaring people. People have mixed reactions to the discussion when I've broached the subject in the past.

The reasons I've attempted it in the past have been varied. The last attempt was because of my unshared experience of consciousness. My experience of consciousness has changed over the last few years. Its become an strange and unusual place. I think it is described by the word psychosis. I experience my thoughts not as my own and I feel the influence of a separate consciousness(es). This discovery and the change in my experience was distressing. There is a feeling of being controlled and the idea of free will shatters through this experience, which is perhaps why it often ends up with the cluster of symptoms described by the diagnosis of schizophrenia. My last attempt was for the reason that life with this experience wasn't worth living. There were other factors involved as well of course and the reasons for previous attempts have been different.

Its gotten much better over the last few months and has become a general desire for death or non-existance or sleep unending. I just gaze at train tracks occassionally, wishing I had the courage or energy to step forward a couple of steps.

But I carry on. I've lived with this for such a long time that its become part of me. I'm used to living with a low state of mind so I just get on with living. The brief moments of intense experience or emotion that rise above the sea of ennui keep me going. The misery isn't constant and when it returns it is like an old friend now.

Few would know on the outside. I have gotten better and better at hiding behind a social mask of cheerfulness and good humour. It was not something I was happy to use but it serves a purpose that allows me distance from others and social acceptability. The trade off is I hate myself a little bit more and I'm not authentic. It seems this blog is where I show my self.

My choices are affected by living like this. I care not for my future. I make decisions that are self-harming and will hasten my demise. An example is my legendary drinking that is functional alcoholism and a way to die sooner. Its lucky that I love drinking and it makes me feel so much better. I smoke as well and I smoke cannabis. I eat poorly and irregularly.

It is not only misery though. There is a positive aspect that's helped. Its liberated me from worrying about living a long life. My choices are short term and of the moment.
This may not make sense but I feel like its helped me to be closer to happiness than anyone I know. This make not make sense either.

Wanting to die helps me to live. It helps me to see the true value of life. My life has changed a lot through it because through this process I've found a way to live that is motivating and invigorating. I live to change the world for the better. Since I'd rather be dead my life becomes 'given' to that purpose. It is a way of thinking that allows me to cope.

Many people have said that I should see a doctor about this. I think I would say that to myself if I didn't know myself like I do. My desire to die is a choice and a choice I maintain is mine to make. Its a selfish choice but its my right. There will come a time when I take my own life and that is my intent. This may change but it will change 'organically'.

This long period of wanting to die is part of my journey through life. This journey we are all on and we take different paths. There is always value to the paths taken and there is value to my death wish.

Resilience has also built up. Resilience to the deepr reasons I want to end my life. Resilience to the life stuff that makes me want to die. Resilience to the unshared experience that is core to my desire to kill myself.