Why does stuff sound so good in Latin?

Perhaps next Valentine's Day say to the person you love, "you are my
alpha and my omega" which sort of means "you are my beginning and my
end" which sort of means you are my everything.

That's pretty sweet right?

It's certainly a lot better than "you are my A to Z" which has a
different and less poetic meaning. Definitely not as romantic.

I killed my grandfather

I made him so angry he had a heart attack which ended up with him dead.
He was ill already of course but I think my action was the tipping point.

He was old and cranky. We would fight like cats and dogs. I would guess
if people saw the relationship on the outside they would see no love.
But there was love.

He was like a walking encyclopaedia. He was a tough man but he was also
a good man. He was very different to my grandmother. She gave me
unconditional love even though I was a total arsehole. I still miss them.

For all my bad times I had a lot of privileges. One of them was having
grandparents and having parents who would put up with living with their
parents. My mother and father worked very hard. i doubt they'd have had
the time to look after me. I got all the attention when I was a kid. My
sister got so little. That's probably another point.

The point is the value of the third generation. The create of the
"nuclear family" where households consisted of two generations was
probably a mistake. It is another illness is society. Losing this third
tier was like losing wisdom. Kids became...well...kids lost out on the
best education. Schools can't teach about life the way grandparents can.
Parents have no time to teach because they're working so many hours. The
professionals at least. my parents were doctors so they'd have to work
hard and study too to be good doctors.

The idea of a 3 tier household versus an ill society where 2 tier
households (I mean generations rather than tiers perhaps but I think you
know what I mean) isn't rocket science. Just go look at our ancestors:
the apes. The structures of apes - I forget the collective noun for apes
but you know aht I mean - living together is as a community. Their
dynamics are probably same same but different, as the Thais would say,
to human social and family dynamics.

There is probably an old, cranky, lonely ape in every community of apes.
I don't know enough about monkeys to know if the monkey community would
accept this ape or call them mentally ill. I'm not sure if monkeys would
cast out their elders from the pack or group or whatever.

We apes made a mistake and psychiatry allowed it to continue. we forgot
we are also apes as well as human. Without a profession of society
doctors our society and our world became infected with the illness of
psychiatry. Psychiatry itself may only be a symptom of course. There may
be a deeper root cause.

This is something I feel I need to explore more perhaps...not
today...another day. I just wanted to get something out which I was
thinking of right now.

Killing me softly

This is a terribly boring title for a scary truth. Ordinarily I'd write something like, "Stop killing my people you bunch of fucking cunts. It's not an illness to be different" but I'm trying to get a grip. While I've tried to maintain a blogging character it's affected my real personality and made me a total arsehole.

Anyway, let's go through a few things. I grew up with a cranky old grand dad. I had the privilege of a 3 generation household. It was a totally fucked up one but perhaps not different from any other in that respect. My grand dad was an angry man but we put up with it.

A few years ago I came across the information that 1.800 old people with dementia had been unnecessarily killed when doctors used antipsychotics on them. That's 1,800 old people every year in the UK.

This figure is pretty awful. I must admit I've not read the Royal College of Psychiatry report where the figure comes from but I had a look at the study which showed the drugs reduced life expectancy by 50% in the very elderly, the study which prompted the RCPsych report. The figure was generally reported in the media but there's not a huge amount of coverage nor is there general awareness of the high number of unnecessary deaths.

Dementia is a classic organic mental illness. In fact back in the day serious mental illnesses like bipolar and schizophrenia were called dementia praecox because one of the early people in psychiatry, Emil Kraeplin, saw similarities between organic dementia and dementia praecox. by classic organic mental illness I mean there is a definition difference and deterioration in the brain. I'm not 100% about Kraeplin's mean for dementia praecox but I think he meant that he saw schizophrenia/bipolar/psychotic disorders as like organic demenita come early.

And so doctors treat these behaviours and call them illnesses. But here's the thing: current treatment for mental illness based on the biomedical model is bullshit. The biomedical model was the only reason for behaviour and difference to be called an illness. What that means is that the only way different people can be pathologised using the idea of medicine and treatment by doctors is if there is a biological root. Latter on the psychosocial stuff came to hold a little more sway but the one of the central tenets of the dogma of psychiatry is biological cause. Admitteedly this is finally changing at the turn of this century as the biopsychosocial model is become accepted but this is more problematic (which is a long complex story...basically the biopsychosocail model doesn't make it an illness. It's just part way to explaining how people become who they are...that probably doesn't make sense..argh.).

To biomedically treat dementia in old people doctors need to regrow the brain.There are technologies coming out which can do this but they're in their infancy.

Importantly, antipsychotic treatments don't heal any bit of the brain directly.

None of the measures of antipsychotics I've seen relate to their ability to 'heal' the brain illness at a biological level. the antipsychotic is measured on it's ability to treat behaviour as well as psychosis though the weighting for the effect on psychosis is relatively small for what people would expect.

Though they aren't true medicines the antipsychotic became used on the elderly in the community in the UK. Their purpose was not one which any doctor would want to be involved with: offering options for behavioural control. Unfortunately society is severely ill and could not accept cranky old people. So doctors - primary care doctrs - started handing out antipsychotics like drug dealer at a rave.

They did this because of the convenience the drug offered. I also think that many people would react badly if they saw their elders gagged and put in a straitjacket. They made the elderly docile. The drugs were used purely as a chemical cosh. The drugs were used to treat 'behavioural symptoms' which is really just behaviour. The purpose of the drug was exactly the same as using a straitjacket and gag.

Doctors who treat behaviour aren't doctors

I don't know enough about medical ethics but for a lay person perhaps that's useful. First do no harm. this is the oath a doctor takes. It is the first words they say on becoming a doctor. In the treatment of real illnesses they have to make difficult decisions to treat by harming. But mental illness is different. It's not really an illness and I think most psychiatrists know this or should know this. As far as I can come to understanding it simply it is control of different types of humans (by different I mean not normal but this is where langyage and my ability to communicate become a problem). Essentially all mental illnesses are like homosexuality.

Simply, those doctor who prescribed antipsychotics were causing real physical illnesses, death, reduced life expectancy and loads of other bad stuff. They could have used a straitjacket and gag. Instead they had an invisible tool of control. The antipsychotic. The drug which tehy've been suppressing the expression of the schizophrenic for years.

GPs are currently measured on how few antipsychotics they prescribe to people in the community. This is after the report showing that 1,800 old people died. These GPs are not doctors. They're murderers.

The profession of medicine is not about social convenience. And yes, cosmetics surgeons aren't really doctors either. But those still prescribing antipsychotics in the community for carer's convenience...well...they know the evidence and they continue to do it. They have breeched the oath they took upon become a doctor.

These antipsychotic drugs can be used on children or adults for life. The so called illness they are used to treat, an ever expanding range of behaviours, are not organically healed by them in that they don't regrow brain matter. They are a convenient way to subjugate and suppress symptoms which are socially inconvenient in a time or culture where different behaviour is considered worth treating rather than accepting.

The significant argument for the use of antipsychotics is the risk of death by homicide by a mentally ill person or suicide. But i'm meant to be taking a break so I'll get to think about this bit another time.

I can't be arsed to talk about what's been happening to me

Life has been so bad. On the distress continuum....well I think I've
gone off the scale. They talk about downward spirals and
stuff....well...fuck....my life has been a downard spiral for too long.
I'm tired. Burnout. Boring. Lonely. Unhappy. Tearful or angry about
certain subjects, things which I should have got over a long time ago.
But I have my ways to gt through. Medication and escape. Work and work.

I admitted myself to a psych ward a couple of days ago. I just couldn't
cope. I only stayed one night and slept in reception. I spoke to a
pastor in the end and that helped. Then I was triggered into a rage and
left. The dickheads always want me to follow the 12 steps. They don't
understand people's drinking habits and they don't understand mine. They
make judgements and don't give a flying fuck about cause.

How do people become? The question psychiatric science hasn't even begun
to explore much. Thankfully too.

The hardest question: am I mentally ill? For a few years I've been
puzzling what mental illness is and its driven me crazy. I still don't
know what mental illness is but I probably know enough to be uncertain.

To have loved and lost

Is truly to love. And truly to be human. But...fuck...there must be a less painful way to learn.

There are important questions and useful answers to be had from...well...from the subject of this post. The subject could be a good quote or a nice valentines message. But escaping analysis by faking or using wisdom. That's not good.

To have loved and lost? To have suffered for love because that's what real love is. To have given love away because that who or what was loved was better off.

Stupid romantic ideals. That's all they are. This is the problem with films and music and religion and mythology. It gives people dumb dreams. To be perfect. What the fuck? That's dumb.

Things are pretty hard right now

I've had things happen which I never intended nor ever wanted. Hmm...perhaps ever is a bad word.

This is all too much. I've learned to fight to keep my sanity when I'm insane but the very fabric of reality seems to be breaking down.

I'm still not suicidal now. Just hurting a lot. I've learned to cope with madness but I know when I'm at risk of collapse.

Physically I'm exhausted but that's not surprising. Mentally my brain can keep functioning but...well I'm probably at risk of my body eating its own cells to keep the electrical charges flowing.

I feel like a boxer in the penultimate round. But I don't want to win. I need to rest. And eat. I am too thin. I have been struggling too hard to crack an unsolvable puzzle. I know I need to rest before I can truly get back to work again.

But I have been obsessed. An obsession which I hoped would end my life or give me a reason to live. I am still obsessed. I feel like I can't rest properly. I can't drag myself back to being an automoton living a clean, normal life. I can't enjoy the sunshine even when its raining. I can see the beauty but it makes me work harder. A good summer is all I need but then all I would do is work. This is the key problem right now. I have lost balance. I have become too focused. I do not take care of myself...and that's a big failure in self managing.

I don't want to be a hero and I don't want to rest. My smart self knows this is a mistake. Not being a hero helps me keep my sanity. But not resting is a sure fire way to an early grave. A fire which burns brightly will burn out fast. Etc.

Self managing...fuck this is hard. I can't do it any more. I've lived on the edge for too long. I can't punch my way to recovery. This is the big failure. I know I need basic things. To rest. To eat. To truly enjoy and relax. I can still see beauty and feel moments but...I don't know.

And yes. Love and love lost is a fucking hard thing to deal with. Oh god...it would burn my very soul to cinders.

I'm rambling and babbling. Think I need another drink. Or any medication a psychiatrist would want to give me. I am...I have lost my battle to self manage and take care of myself.

Guess I had to learn to lose, to hit rock bottom and go further. Shit. The university of life is a hard fucking teacher. Right now I'm happy to lose. I just want to rest. And play. And have a laugh. Normal shit. Just for a little bit. Before I get back to what I love. Work. My number 1 obessesion.

Blogging as the first step to true democracy

Personally I would prefer a technocracy but democracy is probably a better solution.

There's loads of blogs out there. These are written by people with a passion. A passion to think and write and create for nothing but the joy of doing it. Few get paid and few get recognition. I'm sure those that do never wanted it. Not the true bloggers.

Their followers can comment on the blog posts. Each blog can then become akin to a political party. Ideas are discussed. Thoughts are thought over. There can be criticism, praise or new thoughts.

Any person can now own their own free newspaper. The only cost is their time and their passion.

This leap in technology for democracy has been enabled by IT's advancement. But something else came with this advancement. The loss of privacy.

All our information can be monitored by the powerful. This today means governments with intelligence services. The 911 terrorist attacks allowed new legal powers and funding to implement new computer technologies which allow monitoring of large swathes of the population with little human effort as well as the ability to track people and information.

The human right to privacy was taken. We are naked to Big Brother. The police, the army, secret intelligence services, criminals and even local councils can spy on the citizens of any nation.

This was done for national security and the war on terror and other jingoistic ideas. In the end they took a right to protect the people, but the right they took was the right for a policeperson not to be able to rip off a person's clothes in the street. We are all naked underneath our clothes but to a few people in our life we show our naked forms. In the bedroom usually. Any person with the technology can spy into your bedroom and the antiterrorism laws mean the government could be watching you as you read this.

It is a terrible price to lose privacy to protect democracy. But there may be an opportunity in this challenge.

The opportunity is for democracy and true democracy. The opportunity is for the silent majority, those who often do not speak but hope that others speak for them.

The government can read our emails, our blogs, our telephone conversations and lots of other stuff. They do this to protect the people. Wouldn't it be amazing if they used this power to listen to the people?

The system of democracy in the uk is an election every 4 years. The parties make pledges and write a manifesto. People vote for many different reasons. But then that's it. The real peoples voice the rest of the time are the lobbyists and campaigners who try to influence through small things like writing a letter or going to a protest to funding campaigns or writing policy reports.

The problem is this means people with money or talent or passion or just a really bloody loud voice can hold influence more than the average person or the worst off. This is not a good foundation for democracy.

Many don't have the ability or confidence to voice their opinions. This is the silent majority. But they might say something to a friend or neighbour. They might comment on a blog or social network page. They might even write a blog.

This information could never be captured and processed in the way it can be today. Electronic survelliance, espionage technology, hacking and all that stuff make it possible. Take a software program like Autonomy. This is a commercial program, not a secret bit of software, which is somewhat capable of doing the stuff I'm taking about. It can process and interpret data, find important stuff then highlight it to the right people. It has applications for the media industry as well as corporations which depend on good internal communications. I came across as a way to stop child abuse and death. In the uk a black girl was tortured to death. Her name was Victoria Climbe. The state failed her and this software was one way they hoped her death would never have happened. I assume this sort of software is used for other applications, for example preventing suicide or monitoring the happiness of the nation.

But what if this survelliance culture could also be used to empower democracy and social change. What if the breech of basic rights to protect the people could be used to empower true democracy. I mean the pure shit. One person. One vote. We are all equal and we all have a voice which should be heard.

What if it was possible to have democracy without buildings for government and people with job titles. What if the only Minister of Parliment was the people?

What if the corruption of the ideals of democracy to protect the people could be the first step to a new democracy, an ideal democracy?