Things are pretty hard right now

I've had things happen which I never intended nor ever wanted. Hmm...perhaps ever is a bad word.

This is all too much. I've learned to fight to keep my sanity when I'm insane but the very fabric of reality seems to be breaking down.

I'm still not suicidal now. Just hurting a lot. I've learned to cope with madness but I know when I'm at risk of collapse.

Physically I'm exhausted but that's not surprising. Mentally my brain can keep functioning but...well I'm probably at risk of my body eating its own cells to keep the electrical charges flowing.

I feel like a boxer in the penultimate round. But I don't want to win. I need to rest. And eat. I am too thin. I have been struggling too hard to crack an unsolvable puzzle. I know I need to rest before I can truly get back to work again.

But I have been obsessed. An obsession which I hoped would end my life or give me a reason to live. I am still obsessed. I feel like I can't rest properly. I can't drag myself back to being an automoton living a clean, normal life. I can't enjoy the sunshine even when its raining. I can see the beauty but it makes me work harder. A good summer is all I need but then all I would do is work. This is the key problem right now. I have lost balance. I have become too focused. I do not take care of myself...and that's a big failure in self managing.

I don't want to be a hero and I don't want to rest. My smart self knows this is a mistake. Not being a hero helps me keep my sanity. But not resting is a sure fire way to an early grave. A fire which burns brightly will burn out fast. Etc.

Self managing...fuck this is hard. I can't do it any more. I've lived on the edge for too long. I can't punch my way to recovery. This is the big failure. I know I need basic things. To rest. To eat. To truly enjoy and relax. I can still see beauty and feel moments but...I don't know.

And yes. Love and love lost is a fucking hard thing to deal with. Oh god...it would burn my very soul to cinders.

I'm rambling and babbling. Think I need another drink. Or any medication a psychiatrist would want to give me. I am...I have lost my battle to self manage and take care of myself.

Guess I had to learn to lose, to hit rock bottom and go further. Shit. The university of life is a hard fucking teacher. Right now I'm happy to lose. I just want to rest. And play. And have a laugh. Normal shit. Just for a little bit. Before I get back to what I love. Work. My number 1 obessesion.