Sunday, 13 November 2011

There's a part of me that wants to be understood

This isn't rocket science. Everyone wants to be understood. It is
probably a measure of well being to ask "do you feel people understand
you?" or "do you feel you have one person in your life who truly
understands you" or something like that.

It is a tough thing to have for a lot of people. For someone wh is
suicidal it is a little bit harder. It's just not something most people
are equipped to talk about or deal with.

The taboo is more than a gag of silence about talking about it. It's a
barrier to truly understanding it. It's also a barrier to prevention.

If suicide and the suicidal are ever to be truly understand then there
has to be legalisation. Self-termination and awareness of
self-termination need to be legalised to be talked about and become part
of society's fabric rather than something which is like a dirty little
secret no one wants to talk about or acknowledge.

In a small way it is acknowledged by the 1 in 6 people think about
suicide at some point in their life or the 6,000 a year do it
successfully. This is not reflected in the understanding of a lot of
people - friends - I've tried to talk to about.this. I've had everything
from tears to, perhaps, disblief to "oh just cheer up" or "it'll be
okay" or "just look on the bright side" or other phrases people use when
they're inadequate to talk about suicide.

The funny thing though? I'm not sure I understand myself. I want to die
and I know that but I've not dissected why. I'm okay to accept that this
is something I want and something I've wanted for a long time. It is
something of free will and free choice. There are factors of course and
life e vents haven't helped but there's no point looking at blame or
trying to undo things which can't be undone.

My facade - the personality I project - is not what people would expect
a suicidal person's character to be like. It is another barrier to
understanding me. Thankfully my old, close friends have always seen this
duality of the inner self and the outer character. They still find it
hard to integrate it all together and call it normal or something they
can understand.

Living with wanting to die changes you

I think there isn't enough understanding of this.

I smoke unfiltered roll ups, drink heavily and eat poorly. This is a
recipe for a reduced life expectancy. This is a recipe for my success.

I fear being asked the job interview question, "where do you see
yourself in 5 years?" because the truth is I want to be dead.

Relationships become hard and plagued with guilt. If I know I'm going to
kill myself one day it makes forming any human relationship wihth
meaning more difficult.

It can be hard to contain the recklessness. The whole of life changes
when death becomes a person's core desire. It could be so easy for me to
slip into reckless habits and ways of being because the hope is the bad
repercussions will drive me even closer to taking my life or that there
will be no repercussions if I'm dead. I stay away from this path as much
as possible.

There's that regular feeling when crossing the road that this will be
the last time and the slight thrill when a car comes close to crushing me.

There's being with old friends and always having this dark secret. Those
who know don't understand and I don't think they accept this.

There's the burality of having to endure yet another unwanted day of
life. Day after day it is like Chinese water torture.

To die is preferable.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

The constant of suicide

Why would any one think I would it legalised?

On too many days and too many nights I've thought about it and wanted death.

What is constant in my life? My ego? My emotions? My state? No.

What is constant is the knowingness that my death is what I want. Today isn't even a bad day.

Sent from my smartphone

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

It's hard to be a loser

It is just a label and I know it. It is meaningless.

And yet I find myself using it upon myself. For whatever reason this is something I've learned to live with. Sometimes it gets really hard though.

A loser is a judgement based on norms and values. Its not a real thing but it has an impact. On my prepsychiatric norms I'm a loser. A lonely, penniless addict. A down and out except for my capability to work and think and write and create.

I was doing some of those things before my first psychiatric crisis. I've had to learn to get used to being a loser. Sometimes its so fucking hard.

Sent from my smartphone

What is mental health - mental health problems and language

As psychiatry and the mental health mainstream progressed battles over language began. What had been called mental illness needed to be called something else. This wasn't because people didn't consider it an illness nor for any conceptual shift which required new language. It was done for sensitivity and other politically correct motivations.

The paradigm of mental illness is where the privilege of the invalid is rooted. In the modern day it is more complex of course. Today Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity and diminished responsiblity are protocols of the medico-legal framework - the mental health and criminal justice laws in this case - extend the privilege of the invalid to the mentally ill that commit serious crimes. It is why the severely mentally disabled are on medical benefits at a higher rate than standard state welfare. It is why a person who has depression and can't come in to work has to say they well unwell and they use a sick day.

I have my own views on this but I'll put them aside for the moment. The term became stigmatised with time. I don't know the factors of this. The inception of mental illness may have been a way to reduce the fundamental stigmas and prejudices which created the poor outcomes for people before the creation of psychiatry and the asylum system; I'm talking about the symptoms themselves rather than the diagnostic labels attached to homogeneous (actually often heterogenous) types.

What I'm talking about is how and why the mentally ill are mental health problematic. Bear with me a bit here.

Mental health problems is a term which was meant to be less stigmatising than mental illness and this is the sole reason it has become the preferred term.

It is perhaps more accurate too but this isn't why it became a commonly used term. The people who promopted its used would not like what I have to say about the meaning which comes from the words themselves.

The mentally ill are problematic. It is the symptoms which, in whatever culture or at whatever time in history, are not suitable or disliked. It is very hard to put into words.

Let's take a manic depressive. In a high phase they'll be a lot of fun to be around but if this tips into hypermania they lose touch with reality - and this is madness. Their lows can be hard for people to deal with because those lows can be time consuming and burdensome for some to deal with. Behaviour can be grating or abrasive. Or the person can withdraw from social contact and those who knew them in the high might not understand. Returning from those highs and lows can be difficult when people don't understand.

Problematic is not a scientific concept. It is temporary social disadvantage because of a set of behavioural characteristics which are a product of a person's psychological profile and life experiences. This is mental health problems as a definition aligned with the psychosocial model as I understand it.

A cluster of behavioural symptoms, I.e. a strict clinical diagnosis, works by noting behaviours and internal experiences. A diagnosis of mental illness works by looking at actions and internal reality then applies judgements.

The psychiatric labels are meant to accurately determine a type. Once this type is established it should follow a negative and predictable life course (approximately). A diagnosis fundamentally means the doctor expects you to do worse in life...yeah....tough ain't it...I've had 4 diagnoses from the 6 psychiatrists I've seen in my lifetime.

And the studies sometimes show this validity and reliability, which are the two psychiatric terms for the concepts of accurately determining type and the type relating to a predictable negative life course. They show the label often does predict the person will do less well in their life on the outcome measures used in mental health.

But they don't when you start comparing the prognosis in international studies nor the prevalence rate. The WHO IPSS is a very well regarded piece of research. It compared schizophrenia outcomes in different countries and it did long term follow up on the research subjects. It was well designed to ensure high inter-rater reliability (a lot of the time  psychiatrists don't agree on the diagnosis).

On 2 year, 5 year and I think 10 year followup the results were not what you might expect if you'd never heard of the study. People in the West did worse than people in poor, developing world nations.

There's a lot which can be interpreted from this result and a lot of work has gone into it. Let me consider the result and mental health problems.

The aspect of the worse outcomes is related to social and cultural factors. They're what influence the levels of poorer outcomes. People who are equally problematic...or equally ill...have different outcomes based on a quantity which is somethijng likle "how much a system disadvantages someone who is different."

This last paragraph may be a jump ahead of where I want to be in this discourse. I have a very tough hide when it comes to words and concepts butsomething which seems to be a theme in what I'm writing relates to the journey I've had to make.

Concepts are pure things. Subjective judgements call them good or bad, as I have done earlier in this work. To admit to being problematic is a harsh thing. There may be a psotivie way to look at the same thing.

Sent from my smartphone

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

In light of what I just wrote...

...what is mental illness?

Sent from my smartphone

I'm thinking about who I am now and who I used to be

Those who know me as I was, before psychiatric crisis, and at my best...I am not the man I used to be nor ever wanted to be.

I could write a thousand words and a thousand more but this is a good summary...my life is shit.

Sent from my smartphone

About Me

We It comes in part from an appreciation that no one can truly sign their own work. Everything is many influences coming together to the one moment where a work exists. The other is a begrudging acceptance that my work was never my own. There is another consciousness or non-corporeal entity that helps and harms me in everything I do. I am not I because of this force or entity. I am "we"