Living with wanting to die changes you

I think there isn't enough understanding of this.

I smoke unfiltered roll ups, drink heavily and eat poorly. This is a
recipe for a reduced life expectancy. This is a recipe for my success.

I fear being asked the job interview question, "where do you see
yourself in 5 years?" because the truth is I want to be dead.

Relationships become hard and plagued with guilt. If I know I'm going to
kill myself one day it makes forming any human relationship wihth
meaning more difficult.

It can be hard to contain the recklessness. The whole of life changes
when death becomes a person's core desire. It could be so easy for me to
slip into reckless habits and ways of being because the hope is the bad
repercussions will drive me even closer to taking my life or that there
will be no repercussions if I'm dead. I stay away from this path as much
as possible.

There's that regular feeling when crossing the road that this will be
the last time and the slight thrill when a car comes close to crushing me.

There's being with old friends and always having this dark secret. Those
who know don't understand and I don't think they accept this.

There's the burality of having to endure yet another unwanted day of
life. Day after day it is like Chinese water torture.

To die is preferable.