Buying a feeling

I watched an older woman doing a very hard job last night. She was
wheeling out the delivery from the front of the pub I was in to the
storage area. She worked hard but I bet she got paid little more than
minimum wage. I think she's usually kitchen staff. Were she bar staff
she's not the sort of person who would get lots of drinks bought for
her. She was old and black. All the staff in the pub were young, pretty
white girls.

I went to the bar after a bit and ordered her a drink. A large glass of
wine. I didn't know her name and neither did any of the other bar staff.
She's one of those people that other people don't bother to talk to or
find out their name. I asked the bar staff not to tell her which
customer bought her the drink. It was something I wanted her to feel was
a good thing with no strings attached. Just another person recognising
hard work and giving something to someone else.

I did it for one reason. I needed to feel good about myself. I
consciously decided to do this for the simple reason that by doing a
good thing for another person I might make her a little happier.

Even now I'm still having to force myself to take a good feeling for
this good deed. It was only a few pounds. She may not drink. I should do
doing more for people like her. But I can take small pleasure in this
little good deed.

People spend lots of money on products because it buys them a feeling.
Obviously alcohol is something people buy because it makes them feel
better and helps them have fun. It's the same for clothes. Gadgets.
Certain brands. People buy things to make themselves feel.

I got over a lot of my materialism thanks to life crisis. But I seem to
have invented a new materialism of me, an emotional materialism based on
pseudo-altruism. I do what I do for charity and the greater good because
it keeps me alive. I can do little deeds like this because it makes me
feel better than wearing a tailor made suit I custom designed or having
the latest laptop.

You know what? I prefer this sort of emotional materialism. I prefer
recognising that most materialism is just buying a feeling. Being this
direct about it makes more sense to me. It's a lot cheaper and perhaps
it's a lot better too.