I'm a failure

I spent most of this year reading anything I could find on schizophrenia
and clozapine. I've read so many papers it's stupid. I worked as a
writer and thinker for a mobile phone technology company to survive but
in my spare time I read research and tried to understand what could be
an alternative to this dangerous drug, a drug which is beloved by the
psychiatric profession but kills patients quickly and slowly.

After all my efforts I have nothing. I can criticise the evidence base
and the measures. I can dispute the significant effectiveness,
especially on what are patients measures and quality of life measures
rather than psychopathological measures. It may be enough perhaps to
challenge the current practice of using clozapine after the trial of two
antipsycotics. But I found no real solution. Polypharmacy and high does
of other antipsychotics aren't really a solution.

I found a lack of research. I found a lack of will to try something
else. I found a medical bias even outside the psychiatric profession.
The dreaded schizophrenia can be treated by this amazing drug, this most
powerful of chemical coshes. The initial studies into clozapine were
very powerful and were well received by the medical community whereas
Dr. Joanna Moncrieff's critical paper as well as the high quality
systematic review from the Cochrane Colloboration seems to have been
ignored. The ease of a chemical straitjacket in pill form means the
psychiatric profession will still keep using this drug and look for ways
to use it more often rather than less.

I was lucky to be excluded because I had the time to put to work on
this. I'm not sure I have the energy to keep searching nor the money to
keep doing this in my spare time. I'm very tired and very ill.

I hate failing like this. But I know that if I can find a solution then
people will live longer. I will keep struggling but I'm so empty. I've
not had the pleasure of success in this quest. My white whale still
roams free.

There is a solution. I just know there is.

No one needs to die, not for the 'treatment' of schizophrenia nor
anything else. Apart from if they want to.