I have a strict rule. I don't date. I'm happy to go out with a girl as
friends. But a date? Woah. That's just crazy talk.
I wouldn't know what to do. Dating to me feels like I'd have to be
someone. I'd have to be impressive or suave or cool or something like
that. I wouldn't know how to do any of that. I feel like I'd have to
pretend to be someone to impress the girl.
Instead I go on non-dates. I meet a person as a friend. Often I
deliberately do something to make sure it's not a proper date, for
example I might dress badly or something. It try to make it as much like
two friends meeting up as possible.
I admit I'm not perfect at it. I do make an effort for a lady I like. I
do have feelings of lust and hopes that I might get laid, except that
never happens on first contact anyway because of my self-harm scars.
On these non-dates - some of which the other person hasn't realised they
weren't dates - am myself. It may not be perfect but it's surprising how
successful I've been. I've got lots of tales of women who've wanted to
sleep with me. I rarely tell the lads the truth that I can't take them
up on the opportunity, not until I trust them to be able to handle
seeing my vicious self-harm scars.
A couple of years ago I was going out with this great girl. We were
passionate and it was an intense relationship. It was a lot of fun too.
For the first few times we were together I avoided coming back to hers
and I think she thought I was gay but repressing it. In fact I just
didn't know what to do about my scars. I've self-harmed on an off for
most of my adult life. The scars were slight but I saw them as really
bad. The year before I met her I went through one of the worst
experiences of my life, an experience which conveys little meaning when
it's described as "psychosis", and during this period I was self-harming
prolifically. My left forearm looks like....well it looks almost
diseased until you look up close and see that the cuts -upon cuts are
things I've done to myself in my battle against the entity in my life.
The first night we were going to sleep together I showed her my scars.
She freaked out and threw me out.
So these non-dates don't usually have a purpose for me other than
friendship anyway. After all, I'm going to kill myself one day. There's
really no point in having a relationship. It would only mean I'd hurt
the other person when I finally succeed in taking my life.
I assume everyone has dating anxiety but when I see other people on
dates they seem so sure of themselves. I'm sure I seem sure of myself
but the reason is I'm not on a date. Perhaps it's just the
attractiveness which confidence brings, a confidence I create by not
being on a date nor trying to impress a woman. I'm lucky that I feel
comfortable joking with women about things like the research on sex and
mental health or the bawdy chatup lines I know. It means I'm usually the
best or the worst date ever.
The self-harm scars...welll they're not something that many people have
to deal with. I admit I used to have a semi-patholigcal inadequacy
because I've got a small penis but I've grown out of that. I'm sure many
psychologists could say a lot about that. I think ...hmmm....what would
be the psychiatric disorder....probably body dysmorphic disorder or
penis dysmorphic disorder....is more common than people are aware of.
I think most people deal with their dating anxiety with alcohol. It's
the best thing. It also helps with other things which make it useful on
a date. Sex. I'm talking about sex.
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