his profession.
He didn't take a history and was going straight for a diagnosis I think.
It's on reflection today I'm guessing he was looking to give me a
diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. The reason I think this is
because of a question he asked. He asked about my sex life. How strange
a question I thought.
A lot of people probably think I'm a man slut but it might surprise them
to know that I don't sleep around. I believe that sex is good and
monogamous relationships are foolish, but I don't sleep around. This
may, in part, be because when I find a partner I want to sleep with they
have to overcome their disgust and revulsion because of my self-harm scars.
The psychiatrist really was a chump if he was going for a BPD diagnosis
without taking a proper history. He was an associate specialist not a
consultant. I've self-harmed since the age of 15 when I saw my first
psychiatrist after I'd been thrown out of home. She knew about my
self-harm, aggression, withdrawal and other symptoms I was going
through. She didn't give me a diagnosis because she judged that it was a
normal reaction to unusual circumstances. So I ended up in a children's
home and foster home instead of a psychiatric ward.
I wasn't suicidal at all then but over time this also developed and I
continued to self-harm. It was only when I was 25 that I got a diagnosis
of bipolar. They knew about my self-harm as well. The next psychiatrist,
the one who gave me a diagnosis of schizoaffective: bipolar type, knew I
wanted to die and that I self-harmed. I'd always identified with bipolar
because it's how I saw most of my life.
An NHS psychiatrist gave me a diagnosis of dual diagnosis. This is a
bullshit diagnosis. I came off my drugs and their drugs then got another
diagnosis of mixed affective disorder, one that wasn't explained to me.
The only other person I've heard with this diagnosis heard several
voices and had had ECT treatment.
The 6th psychiatrist, the one who didn't even bother to take a history,
was going straight for a diagnosis. He just wanted my to tick the right
boxes so he could apply a label.
I argued him out of applying a label. What value is there in a label if
they can't treat? The relevance for me was treatment. I needed help and
I'd come in to ask for it. I think I persuaded him too. He gave me a
referral to get psychological therapies. Sadly the person I saw at my
very late initial assessment was a bint and didn't listen to me.
For that I'm thankful. For all the suffering last year there was one
light in my life. The discovery that Dignitas accept people with mental
illnesses. The journey to come to this place was so difficult but now I
can finally sleep forever.
I wonder if some dickhead might consider what I go through is chronic
depression. Yes. I'm pretty fucking miserable underneath the worthless
fgacade I have to fit into this forsaken world. I've tried pretty much
every drug to escape this state but this isn't a fucking illness. It is
a sane reaction to the world around me, and those who can't see it need
to open their eyes.
I had enough of this life a long time ago but have dragged myself
through it. Thankfully no longer. Even if I don't get accepted by
Dignitas or can't afford it I'm still going to take my life in 4 years
....or less because I might commit suicide as a snap decision as I've
done before. The latter is what's considered suicide caused by mental
illness. The former isn't.
Please don't worry. 4 years is a long time and I aim to find a way to
stay alive too. I just don't want to.
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