I am in pain

It's a grey day and the darkness of night is almost here.

I sit on my bed typing and trying to find anything to fill my time.

My cat sits next to me and snores. She's lucky. I want to sleep but I
won't. Not for a few more hours.

I don't want to think or exist .It hurts inside and it hurts somewhere
else. Somewhere far deeper.

Deep within the recesses of my psyche I'm in so much pain. I thought I
was numb to the pain in there but it...it feels present tonight. There
is an erry stillness in my external reality. Inside I am feeling...a
feeling which words can not describe.

I feel like contacting the Samaritans but I feel there is no point in
words. There is just life or death. I want one because I don't want the
other to continue.

I haven't written about my wish to die because there's no point. There's
nothing left to say.

I suppose my worst fear is that I don't kill myself soon. That's the
other thing. If I don't then I'd have to keep living and that's not
something I really want to do any more.