I caught myself trying to remember what it felt like to be happy.
It's a pretty dark thought to have and I paused as I searched for the memory of what it actually feels like.
Its sort of funny in a way. At the moment I'm not unhappy. I have been but this has lessened a lot. My mood, my emotions, have returned to a better state over the last week or two. I want death but this is not a product of low mood. It is a desire and a wish but if your desire is to wish I reason and rationalise it to you then I will if you will give me what I desire and wish.
But no one will.
Anyway, its funny because its hard and its been hard for a long time. I'm sure it will get better but that's not the point. The point is how I've had to develop a sense of humour about this. It is my substitute for tears.
Sent from my smartphone
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