A bit on love

Love. It's funny. It's like "snow" because we have one word while the
Eskimos have many. The Romans/Greeks split it into a few categories to
understand it but they were way smarter than we are.

Let me tell you a story of love and my love. I believe in what Oscar
Wilde said, "Always be in love, never get married." There are exceptions
to the rule of course. I also believe another concept can be applied to
love: kiss the joy on the wing but don't fall when it falls..

I used to live for love, to experience it and feel it. At least until
earlier this year when for the first time in a long time I couldn't pick
myself up from a broken heart. Thankfully I have my medications. Drink
and drugs. They help me forget and they ease the pain of a shattered
heart. I gave up on the thing I believed in, love, because of one
moment. But let me tell you the story and a tiny bit about me. Let me
tell you a story of what I mean by the highest form of love that I can
ever give. It's the sort of love that destroys me.

When I met her I wasn't wow'd by her beauty. I chatted with a friend of
mine and we both rated her as hot but that was all. She was a pretty
thing like many women are in an office environment. Someone that makes
life a little bit more pleasant perhaps. But their were fitter girls,
girls who were physically are more atractrive. Girls I wanted to fuck -
if that makes sense? The difference between affectionate love making and
pure fucking may be lost on some people but I think not.

Anyway, this pretty little thing and me became friends. I can have
friendships with girls I fancy. We had a good working relatiomship for
all my foilbles and she became a person whose company I enjoyed.

And then it happened. Whether slowly or gradualy I realised I was
falling in love with her.

She had a partner though. We worked together. And she could never love me.

I stepped out of our friendship when I realised this. I took time away.
I didn't avoid her at work but I placed a distance in our social
interaction. I got over - or I thought I got over - my feelings by
placing space between us. That was the rational side trying to deal with
the situation.

I returned to a friendship with her and managed to suppress my feelings.
She held the place in my life as my best freind. The one who I trusted.
When I quit my job because I was in a pattern where I was going to kill
myself she was the only one who knew a semblance of the truth. I lied so
I could protect the organisation and my boss and let everyone know the
lie. I quit to take a journey and a break and any other bullshit I could
come up with to hide the truth of what I had to do for my mad beliefs.

We'd always connected over our own personal mental ill health, perhaps.
But she was in a bad way so I switched from being a freind to a pseudo-
or quasi-therapist role in her life. I found myself trapped. Those
feelings I tried to suppress came back and I held them in because I was
her friend. It didn't feel right to me to feel anymore and I didn't
think she felt the same way anyway. And, of course, she had a partner.

I remember well one of the worst days of this year. Skipping quickly
along in the story it was they day I told her to stay with her
boyfriend. In the intervenining period in this story I'd fully fallen in
love with her and there was nothing I could do to stop how I felt. I
just wanted her to be okay. I was with ehr as a friend and I played that
role as well as trying to counsel her.

She wanted to split up with her boyfriend. She spoke to me about him
often and they'd had troubles in their relationship but they stayed
together. As I tore myself apart inside I stood there and told her to
stay with her partner. It burned me inside like a nuclear fire but I
knew what I wanted for her. I wanted her to be happy and ok and safe and
have a good life. I can reflect now that her happiness and life was more
important than my own, irrespective of the idea that she wouldn't love
me back anyway. I stood there like a cunt telling her to stay with her
fella while every other sense in my mind just told me to say what I
truly felt.

There are many things to interpret from this story, and many important
details I have left out. I don't fall for physical attraction. I fall
for the person I think they are, their soul or my idea of their soul
rather than the size of their tits or whatever else constitutes physical
attraction. I still want a girl my dick fancies but I want a girl my
mind fancies more. I wanted her life to be good more than I wanted what
I wanted in life.