I'm sitting in a psychiatric ward...

...and having a shit of a day. I remember one of the mantras I used to get me through things. Same shit, different day.

I'm wondering what to do. It is good I'm not sectioned but I'm not planning to kill myself, much though death would be preferable.

My mind and body and heart and soul are a wreck. I was feeling burnt out months ago. I don't rest much when it comes to writing and reading and thinking. Though it is good or natural for me to do it is pretty much all I do. I don't play much.

I'm an addict. I'm addicted to working and creating and other stuff. I don't take holidays. I rarely have days off when I'm doing anything other than thinking about mental health.

I used to enjoy things. Drinking with friends. Photography. These ended up getting left behind because I was poor. I've been working hard on things without any financial reward, and money helps to enable a better life. It is not just better things. It is a tool for freedom.

I left an organisation and a job I loved. I think I will never see the girl of my dreams again. I was still miserable and a mess back then. Then I made the foolish mistake of asking for help because I didn't want to die.

Since then my life has got worse and worse and worse. So if I'm crying I'm not sure it is depression. It is a response anyone would have in my situation. Perhaps some of my externalisations and more intune with a mental illness but I've managed to hold in a lot of the crazy, even when life and people...proved me right.

I have a cognitive bias or something where I see the bad in me and rarely see the good. This might end up sounding like anhedonia or something. Not sure. it might have been a few months ago but things have gotten better with respect to my mood. I still feel like shit but it is a different shit.

At the same time I've gotten even more isolated and more driven by mental health stuff. It is an obsessive quest. I have turned into a machine. I just spout mental health stuff like a fund of knowledge. This means I'm pretty boring to talk to. I don't know what is going on in the world or what's on tv. I'm not even into music anymore. I don't have sound on my broken computer.

My life is a wreck, my heart is in pain, I am tired and I can't nor don't particularly want to take a rest. I'm not sure what I would do.

I think I need to rest though. I need fun. I need to relax. I need to be shooting again. I need to get back to office work. That's the treatment plan for me.

I'm just wondering about drugs. Right now no words are going to help. Life needs to get better. The problem is it may not get better without drugs.

I don't think staying here will make me better and I think it is making me worse.

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