No one could understand how hard this is. Even new friendships are hard. Thankfully I think I've ostracised enough people and damaged enough relationships that my death will be painful for only a few people. It is final release for me.
In the interim though it is very difficult for me. I think it is hard for anyone who has read this blog and sees the person I am in person. The rational side of me thinks I should stay alone to do least harm to people. The problem is I can't survive like that. In means I've ended up in relationships and making new friendships to replace the ones I end up destroying for other reasons.
I'm going to meet an ex-girlfriend now and this is what I'm worrying about. My stomach is sick for other reasons and I'm clinging on to stop myself exploding with suicidal vomit. Thankfully I have this safe outlet for when things get really tough.
Living with a deathwish is hell for so many reasons, not least of which is meeting someone wonderful I would want to spend more time with and get serious about only to be trapped by the responsibilities of knowing I have a deathwish and hoping that one day someone will kill me. This is the pain few could understand.
Sent from my smartphone
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