What triggered it? I dealt with a comment on the blog about a type of drug which is often used in an suicide cocktail. Then I had to deal with housing and it isn't a good process for me. It reminds me of another time my life collapses. It feels like the cycle is repeating. I really wanted to end it myself yesterday. I'm sure the bottle and a half of wine I had throughout the day - over a 9 hour period - didn't help except to bring the truth of my inner feelings to the fore. I have this blog to safely externalise rather than internalise it like I have been this year. The internalisation isn't a safe way because it leaks and the pressure builds up. Writing these emails helps me to deal with it and rather than a secret diary the blog means they exist somewhere in the real world rather than being concealed to a private expression.
I wish I was dead. That's all I need to say really.
Sent from my smartphone
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