Things were meant to get better, not worse. I've struggled to keep going and it seems all that I have in my life to focus on. Plans which don't work out but there's one shitty plan I have to stick to: don't kill myself yet.
It would be so generous of me to kill myself now. Generous to myself. There are few people that would be affected, few that would care if I disappeared from existence and no one who cares enough to help me end my life.
Those few who care enough to shed a tear or two are those who I'm burdened by. I can't explain to them what it is like living as I do. I can't ask them to let go and...I can't live alone without those who bring a little light into my shit of a life.
It is just things are so much worse right now, so much shitter than six months ago when things were shit. Penniless and a broken man. This is what I am. I wanted death a long time ago and filling my time waiting for the certainty that my life isn't worth living is time I don't want to wait through.
If I won the lottery I don't think things would get better. I think i'd want death but I would be richer. I don't know what my solution is to wanting death but my situation right now feels like the perfect one to exit this life but for the tears and grief of those I care about and care about me.
I don't want to wait to finish my plan. I hate living like this and I've hated being alive for long enough. Won't someone take this life from me, won't some society understand that self-termination is a sane choice when a soul is ground down to nothing.
Sent from my smartphone
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