Surviving suicidal ideation

I suppose this is one area where I have expertise. This blog has slowly developed into the pit where I expunge suicidal feelings.

In a sense it is a technique. It is basically anonymous apart from a few slip ups. My suicidal ideation exists rather than being kept silent within. I could write to a private diary but there I feel it still doesn't exist. Here my desire to die does even if few know it is me. My professional blog also has a small inkling into the darkness which I live with and is in such contrast to my external mask of jovviality.

There are other techniques too which have been built upon through resilience and time. Distraction is one of them. Sometimes I sit and edit photographs rather than wallow in the low. Other times it is sudoku puzzles or writing or whatever. These fill times without directly expressing my deathwish.

In terms of the suicidality itself I know that life gets better as well as worse. There are times it feels like it won't get better and I'm stuck in one of those times but, in a strange sense, I am okay with it because I know this is a false feeling. Well, it is actually true in the sense that my desire to die has escalated rather than gotten better but I mean life in general feels like it can get better when it feels like it is at its worst.

This is a maturation process and one I developed in the abscence of support. The problem with support is it can lead to dependence and this can end up being a negative thing especially when support isn't available.

I know with certainty that I don't want to live a long life. There's is a very high chance I will take my life but it doesn't matter. In fact it is a positive thing for me. I am in control that way. I just wish someone would be willing to take it for me. To end this shit of a life with the kindness of strangers.

Another coping mechanism was this hope but this hope has been dashed. Fucking assisted suicide cunts don't understand how terminal suicidal ideation is. Now it is left up to me and it actually feels better. I don't have to continue with my stupid plan. I can exit when the timing suits me.

Sent from my smartphone