More thoughts on what is mental illness

I suppose an aspect of mental illness which I've missed is lack of conscious control. This is why the mentally ill are treated differently from ordinary citizens by the criminal justice system.

This is where the biomedical model rules the roost. Biological differences are used to explain the behaviours which are perjoratised as mental illness.

What the biological model says is suicide is a problem of serotonin transmissions. In some research biological differences have been found in serotonin receptors. In others low levels of serotonin have been found in psychiatric patients with severe depression using a lumbar puncture.

Then there's the psychosocial explanation. Patterns of behaviour, early abuse, problematic development leads a person to become malformed or deviant in their behaviour. Its studies associating psychosis with childhood abuse which back this up and many others.

I was reminded of this last night as I caught something about women who kill. "Battered wife syndrome" was used as a defense in a murder case. Expert witnesses tried to show that the wife had suffered abuse which caused her to act in a moment of passion. Patterns of behaviour were established which were in common with battered wife syndrome. Had this been sufficient the wife would have been dealt with by psychiatric care or given a verdict other than first degree murder. In this american case the woman stabbed her husband almost 200 times. Some of the stabs were in his penis which required a precision not possible in an emotional rage. His arms and legs were also tied suggestiing premeditation. The decision was first degree murder because the patterns of abuse by her husband were conisdered within the norms of a bad relationship. The premediation and time taken also showed conscious thought rather than some firey flurry driven by primal emotion.

I admit many incidents in my life where emotional extremes got the better of me. In hindsight I'm sure a psychiatrist would explain these as facets of my mental illness, something I should be medicated for.

Herein lies a problem of responsibility and choice, of my will and what happens when I say I lack the ability to chose.

Some people can handle strong emotions and don't fuck up like me. Others can handle what I've been through without suffering. I, on the other hand, can suffer greatly and can act with high levels of stupidity. These actions can and have wrecked my life. These have been periods where I have been both in control and out of control. For example stepping onto a road to let a car run me over because I was tired of the influence of the other consciousness was a decision by me but it was in a state which would be considered delusional or in an extreme of emotion where I lacked capacity to chose. I was out of my mind.

The problem is I try to take responsibility for these times. The mad me is still me. If I allow my actions to be forgiven then I am made an invalid. It is an admission which I fear may take more away from me than I wish. For example my liberty may be taken away as punishment, my right to chose about things in my life or forced chemical restraint.

Application of mental illness to me means I lose my equality. I lose my rights. At the same time I'm forgiven for my failures and stupidity.