barely eating. I felt physically sick. I was worse but better. I could
engage better in a loving relationship but I'm sexual function wasn't
fantastic. I couldn't cum though I'd only be taking the drugs for 2 weeks.
when the doctor gave me the drugs he just told me about the side
effects. He knew I knew the effects so he didn't explain them to me.
He'd perhaps forgotten about the nocebo effect. When I took these
antidepressants 10 years ago the side effects weren't so problematic.
Perhaps it was my circumstances. Perhaps it was simply being told the
side effects before taking them and this causing a reaction because of
placebo/nocebo effects.
I was in a pretty bad way to go to see a doctor to get these drugs.
That's my pattern. I only go when I'm desperate.
Currently I'm both better and worse. I'd hardly seen anyone at all since
I stopped taking the drug. It's a little less than before I started
taking aantidepressants. I've had two showers in the last week and a
half and brushed my teeth a couple of times too. That's not changed.
I've been sleeping a lot and I don't like waking. That's not changed.
Last night was 10-12 hours sleep. I went to bed very early and got up in
the night a couple of times. There's no change there since I started or
stopped taking the medication. I'm hardly in conctact with anyone at
all. that's been like taht since I came off the antidepressants.
I spend my days alone in the park with a bottle of wine or two. I write
to this blog off my phone (currently I'm at home. Shortly after I
stopped taking antidepressants I started smoking skunk again. I'm eating
a lot more. In fact for the last two days I've had 2 pizzas a day. Two
large pizzas. I usually get home from the park, cook 2 pizzas and eat
them then pass out. The large meal takes all the energy out of my body
as it digests so I sleep quickly after I've eaten.
I want to die. That's unchanged. But the quality of the desire to die
has changed. There are fewer direct thoughts of wishing to die. It is
hard to describe the quality of a thought and the difference between how
it feels to want to die. It is a less present feeling and the thoughts
come consciously less often. There's more of the good mood suicidal
thoughts. Those would confuse anyone but they're the sought of "I know I
feel ok at the moment but I still want to die" sort of thoughts.
I haven't left for the park yet. I just wanted to write something while
I briefly felt... not not ok. No ok but not not ok. Less bad but not
good. Internally I mean.
The problems of my real life, like debt and work and taxes and routine
and function, are still in the sam e state they've been for a long time.
Head in the sand or just given up. I'm not sure. I don't know the word
for this. When I know there's stuff to be done, stuff I can do once I
get started, but I just don't get round to doing it. It's like
procrastination on steroids but it's something I've had to get used to.
At least for a brief moment I feel not not ok. Perhaps I haven't
expressed it very well here. In all this shit around me and what has
become my life...for a short period it just didn't feel like a totally
rotten daily existence.
I dare not jinx it by saying more.
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