What if I am mad?

This is something which springs off something about definitions of mental health and madness. It just something I've been think about as a concept then I had a thought.

It wasn't what if I am mad. It is revealing though. Thoughts can be.

There is a clear divide between my internal and external state. It isn't a perfect delineation. Regardless of the finesse I know there is a difference between my internal and external, what I feel like and what I chose to project.

For some this is normal, for some this is weird and for some this sounds like a symptom of madness...if they only knew what they saw.

I admit I often critise myself and demand perfection as my standard. Many peope do. I also dismiss positive evidence. Other people do too.

But I have a different externalisation to my personality...or perhaps I have to because part of my experience of me is that I'm wonderful and smart and talented. I dismiss any of the latter...and this has worsened with time for reasons. I rarely take positive in my self or my being.

But...and here's an even bigger but than starting 2 paragraphs with the word but...I try to present myself as different to how I feel inside.

A simple example. I fear being truly arrogant. I have failed in this way in the past and in a big way. I'm constantly fearing the consequences of a period of arrogance or two. My internal unconscious systems have developed or perhaps overdeveloped to keep my ego in check.

At the same time I've sort of accepted that perceptions are important. It is why I present something different to who I am.

What might not make sense is I am comfortable being percieved as arrogant...or at least I will joke about it.

I don't understand it and I don't know how it is percieved by people. I know I dumb myself down at times but there are times I also have to pretend to be smart.

I would like to have the belief that I'm smart because I understand how little I know and even more I don't know I know but...fuck...to me that sounds like bullshit.

How I come across may be confusing to a lot of people. Some may find it normal but many ay percieve it as odd.

I don't know why people might find it odd just as I don't really know why an individual might do it.

What I do understand is that labels...well...they're funny things.

There is an aspect of intelligence called crystalising. The original Westernised theory of intelligence is based on 3 types. IQ we all know. Then there's reasoning or...ration or stuff...sorry...doing this from memory in a park in north london on a cold november evening.

Anyway, the third type is crystalising. Again it is a word and a concept I am not good at explaining or understanding because I haven't had time to read absolutely everything.

Fuck. I've gone off on a ramble. Crystalising intelligence and labels don't work as what I was trying to explain.

People need to label things to function better in this world. Crystalising intelligence and this model of intelligence relate to labelling because crystalising is about concepts.

Concepts exist in our minds. To communicate we have to use words. When they're not precise - they don't mean what we want or think them to mean - the individuals have problems. When they're not precise then everyone has a problem. We can't communicate the concepts because my concept means something different to yours.

It isn't about differences of opinion. Precise labelling is necessary to communicate concepts precisely. It is a result and a facet of this quality of crystalising intelligence.

Fuck...what was I talking about?

Sent from my smartphone