My shadow

At university I was a fun loving guy. I also got to meet some serious criminals when I dropped out.

I worked in a call centre and a good friend of mine ..well...he knew a lot of criminals. He was rumoured to have killed someone but that didn't really worry me. He was good to chat to and we smoked hash together.

I'm not squeeky clean. I'm probably thought of as one of the bad guys in circles I mix in. I've had friends whose reputation would scare the shit out of most people. I remember going down to a local pub with a friend of mine to get some herb and have a few beers. He said it was the scariest experience of his life. I guess the people look scary to him but they didn't to me.

University life was very different. I went to a posh university. I also hung out on the darker side of the local area. I met a lot of criminals. I mean drug dealers and stuff. Mainly. My only crime was drugs and enjoying them and sometimes selling a little. I was never a big seller. I would usually give it away. Sometimes I would sell because I needed money on top of all the other money I would make taking photos and working.

I met people like the guy who was rumoured to have killed someone, perhaps for money. One day I asked his advice about whatt to do about someone I knew.

The person in question had stolen money - hundreds of pounds - and items from people. He was a friend of a friend. He owed a close friend of mine some coke so I sorted him out with a contact in return for him fulfilling this deal. This was a step in the spiral for him.

He start selling but he also kept stealing. In the end it came to my house. A friend of his was going out with my housemate so he came round and things disappeared.

I didn't know what to do so I asked my friends advice. He said he'd have someone break his legs. I thought that was a bit harsh. He said he'd have someone steal everything from his rented room. This includes the sink and carpets.

I would never have asked him to do either but when I confronted the problem I explained I would have his legs broken unless he stop stealing.

I am no better than that guy and I had no right to make a judgement. What I did - the process I went through - isolated him from his friends. I was right on the evidence but I was young and stupid about the solutions.

This is my shadow. The part of me which allows me to walk with safety in places others would fear. It is the product of my dark side. The part of me I try to tame.

I have drunk with people who have killed. The person I asked advice from at university never told me about the rumour and I never asked. 3 soldiers I've drunk with and puffed with and have told me about the deaths they caused. They, at least, were legally sanctioned but they're still murderers. One wasn't cold blooded. He was homeless because of the kills he'd made. The guilt wracked him. Another's first kill was defending a comrade who was shot. This was a moment of passion too.

The third person though....we spoke about the first sniper I had met, the homeless one I've already mentioned. I spoke of the sniper's guilt. He was a sniper too and laughed. He was surprised any sniper would feel like that. The training means killing is as easy as playing a computer game. A person's head becomes dehumanised. It becomes just a target.

This person had been looked after by children's social services. Somehow he was recruited into the army and trained as a sniper. He was loyal to the army. He was a trained killer. Cold blooded too.

We smoked Afgan hash and drank beer while chatting outside in a pub near the head quarters of a UK mental health charity. We'd never met before then.

My shadow allows me some unusual experiences in life like learning a little bit about murders and how to be a fucking scary student.

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