a little on my depression

A job application has taken me a week. It's been so hard because I feel low. I reflect upon my past and see the negative. I see requirements for the job and I see my past mistakes.

Worst of all, it feels like I'm lying because I have to cut out all the negative and write about the positive. I can do that and there are times when it's great to do a job application or my CV to be reminded of past successes.

Today the positives feel empty and I feel a failure. I think it's the latter which is colouring my view though I'm clearly unhappy aside from recent events.

My failure is something I don't perhaps deserve to feel except there is a sense of truth. I have failed. I have achieved virtually nothing in terms of impact.

Someone might say I am too hard on myself, too critical or set too high standards. They may even say it is part of my illness.

I would say it's part of me and who I am. For all the pain and misery and more pain my way of being is who I am. A counsellor modified this aspect of self-criticism and perfection then I ended up manic. I need my negativity to protect myself from being a total cunt.

But it is hard. It means I take little joy in what others might consider success. My 'racquet' is I won't let myself rest on my laurels but at the same time I languish on my failures.

This is all in sharp contrast to my external persona. There is the man and there is the mask. I don't think many people can understand it but I could be wrong.

I know my depression makes me hard to understand. It's cause and symptom of a lot of isolation. Some of it is self-inflicted and some of it isn't. Such are most things in life I guess.

I know it's a long time since I've felt happy or content or whatever the feeling is that helps other people. There have been brief periods recently thanks to a lady in my life but I don't want to hurt her.

I'm just a working machine now and that's all I care about. Obviously that's not great for how I feel but...well... why the fuck do I do drugs?

I work to live but in a way others wouldn't understand. I work to stay alive. My work is all that I think will stop me taking my life. I've tried drugs - all kinds - and other ways. I'm just trying to find this reason not to kill myself.

It's what I want though. The irony hit me. I want to know the feeling of never waking up again. Other people ask doctors to solve the problem but they don't help my kind. I've had to learn this path all on my own.

My solution isn't great. It's sort of like democracy. It's the best of a load of shit solutions.