just that I've not worn a t-shirt for most of my adult life. I can live
with being unashionale in summer. It's what it does to my love and sex
life. There are so many barriers to a woman finding me attractive enough
to sleep with but those are usually overcome with lots of alcohol
imbibed by both parties.
But it ends there. In the last few years there's only been three women
who could get over the scars and one of those hasn't seen the latest
reminder to myself of the worst times in my life. It was during that
time where I went through psychosis but managed to keep working where my
forearm became a Pollock-esque tattoo of knife scars. Everything got
externalised through parasuicidal behaviour and self harm. It was a
coping strategy I would want for no one. It was the only way I could
communicate with the controlling force in my life.
I survived psychosis at a great cost to me. I had to stay away from
services because I know what they would have done to me. My desires
would be disregarded. I'd have been incarcerated and had medication I
didn't want forced on me. Rather than take that violation again I went
through a hell no words can convey. Torture feels like a soft
description. But I kept my liberty and my right to choice. And I got better.
I don't want anyone else to have to go through what I went through.
I hate psychiatric wards. They're traumatic and traumatising places.
They're inhumane. I don't like my rights being taken away, my choices
and my liberty - especially when I'm unwell. I don't like the effects
and side effects of some psychiatric medications. I know when need them
but I can't get a doctor who understands and won't try to force their
views of mental health on me.
When I went through an experience that, had I seen a doctor, would have
gotten my a diagnosis of a psychotic disorder in an acute phase. They
would ahve taken my rights from me and force medication on me. Since
I've been hospitalised 3 times before they can now use the coercive
power of the amended Mental Health Act 1983 to forcibly treat me in the
community or drag me back into hospital if I didn't accept medication.
They would have sectioned me while I was going through the experience
and the trauma of that experience is the last thing I needed.
But I needed help too. But I couldn't get it because my choices wouldn't
be respected. No matter the insanity of what I was going through I went
through it for a reasona nd went through it how I did for a reason.
Those are things that psychiatrists just don't accept I feel. They want
to make choices in best interests and because of what they personally
think, and often disregard a patients wishes if they're mentally ill.
No one should have to face that Hobson's Choice (a rock and a hard place
might be a better explanation). It's as if there needs to be a second
support servive for people with severe mental health problems who don't
believe in the construct and consensus psychiatric thought. The "no
care" figure from one of the reports on the NHS Information Centre on
the MMHDS shows just how many people are refusing secondary mental
health services and the figure is an underestimate (because of they way
it's counted). They still have the right to support and care, but they
just don't like what the NHS does to them. They may also be right to
challenge the psychiatric theory that justifies what the mental health
system in the UK does to people in 2010.
I'm not the only one who has to go through this and feels like this. I
want others to have the support I couldn't get. Safe support. Safe from
coercion.
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