I got into debt without caring about the consequences.
I ended up facing the consequences. I lost everything. I lost my respect
and self respect. I lost my esteem and my valuation of my self.
Some how I got myself off benefits and back to work. i found something I
believed in and cared about. I was lucky to have the opportunity to use
my skills to contribute and it helped me get better. I went through hell
but kept on working to keep a roof over my head but couldn't take the
problems of life for poor immigrants living in East London. I was
rescued by my family but I kept travelling from North London to East
London because I had a job.
I came to enjoy the time I had on the journey to work. I got a little
MP3 player and listened to music and then worked out how to play TV
programs on it. I read the newspaper and did Sudoku puzzles. I would
write. I would read research papers or whatever.
I still thought of dying often. I still do. But I found a reason to live
through it for as long as I can be arsed. I got the thing which money
can't buy. Call it strength to keep fighting. Call it the feeling of
working for something I believe in. Call it the self-serving feeling of
doing a good thing. Call it doing a job I love and never having to work
a day in my life.
And still it was no solution to wanting to die. It is the best solution
I've found thus far though. I think even the love of the most beautiful
woman in the world would still not be enough to stop me taking my life
when the time comes. I have no desire to test this.
My addiction turned to workaholism. This balanced the other addictions I
use to help me get through this shit of a life. And seeing beauty.
L:earning to see beauty all around, like the tuft of grass in the sea of
grey which represents the Earth fighting against the machine of human
civilisation which scars the beauty; the power of the thing which
struggles against the concrete.
And even being able to see the beauty I still struggled to fight the
times where I just want to die.
I have the option of retiring to a hot country with beautiful weather
and a simple life. I could go back to where I was born...but that is
just a form of death. Perhaps that is the next sacrifice I need to make
but it is not one I am willing to make right now. There is far more
emotional poverty in the land where I was brought up and is as much my
home as the land where I was born. It's all fucking planet Earth.
For all the possible options I have I would be where my heart lies. It
lies in mental health. It also lies with a girl. A pretty girl who made
me happy and who I would want to be happy more than anything else in the
world.
But there are many mental health charities and there are many pretty
girls. I have a cat as a companion and I suppose I can work doing
whatever, but i will always work in mental health. It is a job for life.
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