Sunday, 15 January 2012

Coping with wanting death

I don't think anyone could really understand what this is like except for those who have to live with it. It is different from being suicidal but akin. It is like Chinese water torture on a person's psyche, and the process which leads to this feeling is an intense torture in itself.

It is a punishment worse than any other. It is the punishment where living is unwanted. It is a very lonely way to be or it can be.

To call it depression is an insult. To expect doctors to have a solution is a joke. They'd likely electrocute the person or chop into their brains. Cunts.

I would guess even the science of suicidology has a dearth of research and solutions for those who have to live day after day, year after year with the hope that death will give them release from the mortal coil.

This is why I want an assisted suicide but it is not an easy choice nor a path which I have made easy. I still have to find a way to survive and I don't think there is anyone who can help. At the end, I expect to be able to make a free choice to continue to live or to have my life ended.

It is time for this sort of compassion. Already doctors kill patients to end their pain. People who care enough to kill their loved one also get away without punishment from the law. It is time for the developed world to truly develop and accept what free will means and what real compassion is.

My system doesn't allow an instant death. It is 4 years of more suffering. Shit. I hate the thought of it. I don't think I will find my solution during this time because I don't think there is one. When it gets this bad for a person, when a psyche is so damaged inside, there is no real solution which remains ethical with respect to a human being's rights (I'm talking about forced treatments like ect).

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We It comes in part from an appreciation that no one can truly sign their own work. Everything is many influences coming together to the one moment where a work exists. The other is a begrudging acceptance that my work was never my own. There is another consciousness or non-corporeal entity that helps and harms me in everything I do. I am not I because of this force or entity. I am "we"