harder to get them to open up again. I've met someone else who's been suicidal for a long time like me. And another person who accidentally mentioned she'd felt suicidal in the past.
Between the four of them and me there's a range of experiences of suicidal thoughts. One person described theirs as though separate from themselves, as though they had no control over them. They seemed almost surprised at the question as to why they felt suicidal. Another seemed
to be trapped in an internal reality where ideals and philosophical thought seemed to be creating some sort of existentialist crisis and it seemed like there was little joy they took from their lives.
I've had suicidal thoughts on a regular basis. "I wish I was dead" and other phrases I can think and then move on from now I've had them appear so many times. These can be irrespective of mood, moment and events. At other times they can come through looking at life and seeing it lacking or seeing my life as a failure. I'm sure its a feeling many people experience.
Usually I can deal with those thoughts and feelings by either looking at the positive or accepting the truth of my life: it gets better, and we just keep surviving. At other times it was a way to deal with a life crisis like getting into what I thought was an irrecoverable financial situation or after the end of a relationship. Both those experiences were about the castle in the sky that is status (in all its forms), respect and self-respect (and others) collapsing or being percieved to
collapse. And now I've learnt that these things are simply constructs, fluid and intangible - they're very far from real and to be clung to like life should be. Those are also experiences other people have had though perhaps they reacted better than I.
Then there was the parasuicidal behaviour that was the war against the entity - the noncorporeal force or whatever that I feel in my life and in my heads. My sense of "I" discovered it wasn't in control of me, i.e. my sense of self came to be aware that it was not alone nor in control of my mind and body. I'm sure many a reader has a thought popping into their head at this moment like "schizophrenia" or "psycho" or "psychosis". Maybe those who read this who have understanding of this experience can sympathise and perhaps even empathise. This was a force I couldn't control so I fought with the only thing I thought I could control: my life. There were many recent attempts and prolific self-harm as a bizarre way to fight back and take
control. I'm out of that phase now and me and my entity are in a period of peace.
The point of this is there are many reasons why people kill themselves. There are also many experiences of suicidal thoughts. Another person I've met has told me they experience their suicidal thoughts as coming from the voice inside their head. It seems the opposite of my experience in the sense that I attempted to regain control or die trying as my will, whereas it seemed their path was for their "I" to fight against the command to kill themself. Perhaps it was the same experience however one person experienced themselves as one of the selves while my experience was the experience of the other self (this makes no sense without having experienced what I'm talking about or having a good understanding of madness).
There are lots of reasons why suicidal thoughts happen and why people kill themselves.
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