I just wanted help but they wanted to change me

I remember making a foolish mistake: seeking help from mental health
services. I attempt to get myself on the waiting list for psychological
therapies and even came close to taking psychiatric medication again -
antidepressants and perhaps even mood stabilisers - last year.

My capacity to make good decisions clearly fluctuates. I'd forgotten
that it was a system of control and behavioural modification. My
insanity made me think I might be able to get some help. Instead I was
told to wait another six months for another initial assessment and
self-refer to a drugs and alcohol service.

I was so desperate I almost gave in and allowed the behavioural control
system to change me. When people are desperate the behavioural control
system has it's best chance to work. It's a method I've heard used by
cults and other organisations: get them in when they're desperate and
make them into what we want them to be.

I hope I don't go so desperate for help that I have to go to the
behavioural control system again.

Instead I am learning to suffer alone and that's a useful lesson.