I expect to be single for the rest of my life but I could be wrong.
Why?
When I'm well, or perhaps when I'm acceptably 'ill', I'm a fun person to
be around but when I'm not I can be hard to be around. Many women don't
put up with that. They want Mr Perfect and settle for second best when
they reach a certain age. Fair play to them. Its better than being
lonely...perhaps.
I'm going to kill myself. I'm not suicidal now but I have a sense that I
will take my own life. I can't risk the person I love.
I'm mad. I'm crazy. I'm mental. I still find it difficult to understand
why men and women might find me attractive. It's probably because they
don't realise who I really am and when they get past ....whatever that
attracts them they should realise that they're buying into a total mess.
If they don't and can see past that mess then they're crazier than I am.
I'm only think about myself. This isn't a conscious thing. I try really
hard. But I'm very selfish.
I also don't believe in monogamous sexual or other sorts of
relationships. I think many women probably find this the most difficult
thing about me and that's an achievement given the long list of
failings. This is a personal belief based on experience and it makes me
sound like a man-slut. Sigh. If only. In fact I have never, ever slept
with anyone while I was in a relationship. I've fallen for people when I
shouldn't have, but that's why I don't believe in monogamous
relationships. Many people fall for another person while in a serious
relationship. Good. That's fucking human.
Our emotional desires exist. Its what we do with them that matters.
Modern relationships depend in the idea of monogamy because society has
failed to progress beyond this simplistic, sadness inducing concept.
Life is a journey. It has many twists and turns. On that journey we meet
many amazing people, people we admire and respect and fall for. In a
traditional relationship those feelings and the joyous moments that
create those feelings are not allowed. Only love and sex with one person
is acceptable. The desire for another person or lots of other people
(together, sequentially or otherwise) is unacceptable.
It is understandable given the construct of society. From an early age
people are trained to respect marriage and monogamy. This is how it is.
As people get older and towards my age they start falling into the need
created by the training, i.e the need for a partner and a monogamous
relationship that they lack. And the evidence generally shows that those
who enter into these sort of relationships have better mental health.
But what if this isn't the way. What if people are unhappier because of
being less free to enjoy emotions like love, romance, sexuality,
attraction and outright horniness. What if the reason why the measures
of better mental health were not related to the success of marriage but
the unhappiness of not being married, an unhappiness which is as much a
construct as the idea that two human beings can only genuinely be in
love with each other and only each other with no feelings of attraction
for the rest of their lives. The latter is the basis of the consensus
idea of a monogamous relationship, though a simplistic view held by
simpletons.
There are many lonely women (and men) in relationships desperate for the
invigoration of a kiss, a long passionate kiss that leaves the
individual glad of being a man/woman. This is nothing to do with the
relationship they have with their long term partner, just a wonderful
moment where the rational or cold mind is pushed aside and the emotions
allowed to run free.
Instead the value of fealty and denial is promoted. A culture of
repressed sexuality and desire is the acceptable norm, probably because
there are some real idiots who assume the alternative would be total
debauchery.
One of the key problem is the high level of immaturity prevalent in
people who are in relationships, at least in my peers. The assumption is
that anything outside the construct of monogamous, heterosexual marriage
and relationships is somehow deviant or ill or wrong or unacceptable.
So whether I stay single because I'm going to kill myself one day or
whether it's because while I'm alive I'd rather experience the joy of
partnership and attraction and unfetter love it doesn't really matter.
I'm going to be alone, single and happy. Perhaps....
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