The voice in your head that may be commenting as I'm writing this is a
relatively normal experience for adults. This is the inner conversation
or stream of consciousness but experiencing thoughts as coming from
another, e.g. being pushed into your mind or coming from people around
you or being electronically projected in by the government, is hell itself.
The type of hallucination or delusion matters. I rarely have visual
hallucinations however when I've taken enthogeons in the past I've seen
and perceived things that weren't there. They weren't real and couldn't
be real even though I experienced them as real. So if I saw a monster
growing from my bed it was scary but I knew it wasn't real. That's an
easy one because monsters don't grow from beds.
Another hallucination or delusion I have is receiving a message from
words that aren't what the words mean. So as I wrote "a monster growing
from my bed" the delusion (I desperately hope) was that the monster was
me sitting on my bed typing this blog post. Why did I feel like that?
I'm not sure. However for a moment I felt the intense negativity of my
monsterishness and shame or guilt or something. It may come from a root
fear that I really am a monster and that may partially be true. I dealt
with the negative mood swing quickly though. I pulled myself up from the
negativity but I don't know how. Maybe it's been training by therapists
or by me to push away those unreal negative thoughts that now can come
into my perception of reality from unusual sources and in unusual ways.
I learned to dismiss all that information that came in unusual ways
rather than attempt to understand the communication. It was a survival
mechanism that caused my current problems with understanding and
communicating with people, perhaps. I am trusting of people and events
and have to be because I have a continuous onslaught of extraneous
information that could be described using a number of terms. There are
times when my resilience to this onslaught is impaired.
Dealing with telepathy and ESPs a real bitch. When the experience of
having your mind read happens its inconceivably real. When I'm in this
state everything tells me that my mind is being read when I know that
that can't be true. It takes a battle to ensure that I stick to the
"they're not reading my mind" thing. I've done the internet searches for
things like the Illuminati and methods of thought transmission, as well
as methods of blocking these transmission out when I was in a really bad
way. Some of it is theorectically possible but I know people who've
worked on what were somewhat secret projects (nuclear submarines,
military computer software development bunkers) and they're pretty
average people. The conspiracy would leak eventually.
The feeling of having real information beyond the information given, for
example sensing that a person wasn't well and reality testing and it
being confirmed as true, can really make dealing with the paranoia or
the delusions hard. There's something in science I try to remember
called subjective validation or rose-tinted glasses might be a better
way to describe the effect where people can only remember certain
details and forget other ones when they think something up, so they may
remember the times when they though their ESP was right but forgot the
times their ESP was wrong. With a binary outcome remembering only the
positive or negative outcomes alone will lead to lead a person to think
ESP doesn't work or does. Remembering that if you guess at something
enough you'll get an answer and if you forget the failures then that'll
make anything seem good.
Dealing with the presence of another force or entity is not something I
can discuss from my personal experience. My methods were wrong. The best
thing is to draw no conclusion about the existence of another entity.
Experience it, understand other people's experiences and conclusions,
read the research and the literature and for fucks sake stay openminded.
The path to falling too deep into madness is to accept one of these
realities.
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