I do it to myself

I do. And that's why it really hurts.

I can't remember who sung those lyrics. Radiohead or something like that.

I'm a terribly lonely person. I'm boring. Self-involved. The universe
rotates around me. I don't help other people enough. I'm not kind
enough. I lack warmth and emotional expression.

I haven't always been like this though. I think last year, perhaps 18
months ago, I was very different. I can see that someone might go: der,
bipolar. But that lacks any meaning. It's more complex perhaps.

Had I sought treatment or got treatment when I asked and what I asked
for I wouldn't be in this state. I'd had been made normal or as normal
as medical science could make me. Had that happened I might not feel so
lonely (this is a pereption rather than a reality. A feeling.). At the
moment I feel a bit like a machine. All I do is spout psychiatry. I'm
like a computer program or something. Automoton-like were it not for the
small amount of crazy that's still left.

But perhaps there are some personality traits that make me isolated.
It's not just the externalisations that society finds undesirable when
I'm unwell. I'm used to the punishment of bipolar and I risk it like a
surfer risks riding a big wave. There's the loner part of me though, the
part that developed and allows me to survive the lonilness. It means I'm
also not very socially connected. I make the loneliness myself through
my personality. I create my life unconsciously and consciously.

I do it to myself. I do.