part of how I survived psychosis and survive schizotypy.
I'm thinking about why I feel less suicidal. I think it's either because
the SJW I took for a week (but haven't) was enough to kick start my
healing process (a decision perhaps rather than an active effect of the
drug), the skunk I've been smoking or the food I've been eating because
of the skunk. Or was it fiding out I could kill myself clean. This is
the best thing to happen all year. I hope I can go to a clinic in
Switzerland and have my life terminated. It makes everything easier.
Suicidal ideation I can't handle has reduced. I know the alcohol doesn't
help in terms of depression stuff but I'm ok with that (again, perhaps
self-belief based on evidence rather than anything scientific).
That's where the thought process started. But there's something else I'm
having to deal with. The gear I scored the last two times is somewhat
similar. Short deals, seemingly high grade however I don't feel the
right buzz. Two different areas. Two different set of curcumstances. The
gear, the pridce, the quality was all similar. It's unusual. It is the
sort of thing that is a coincidence. Thrice would be too much. But so is
twice. These sort of strange perceptions of unusual coincidence are
statistically possible but the number of times it happens to me is
statistically almost impossible, but still probable. The first time I
managed to get skunk in a while was just before breaking up a fight. It
is improbably to a high degree that there is any connection so I must
rest in submissiveness. But god works in mysterious ways and likes to
fuck with me. My arm of scars is always a reminder.
The non-corporeal force may be trying to hurt me again and I warred
against the control it exerted on me before. We were at peace for a
while. I was at peace with We. I hold that peace because strange things
that make no sense can happen based on a good knowledge of the truth
that science presents. There are things that are spurious coincidences.
I am smoking something that can cause paranoia too so I tread gently
with thoughts that make me angry or paranoid. By that I mean acting on
my beliefs or intuitive thoughts.
I survive this potentially delusional experience. It keeps me sane.
There is more to this world that science tells us. Science will get
there eventual;y and when it does it will be beautiful. There may be
more to know about life and our existence than we can ever imagine. Any
knowledge of history or the history of science will help you to quickly
reach the conclusion: there's more we don't know we don't even know
about than we could ever even concieeve.
To take an example from a life development course I attended many years ago.
There's what you know.
There's what you know you don't know.
Then, there's the shit you don't know you don't know.
The latter is the hardest thing. Few even consider this. Koalas have
double penises. The marsupial is something that to the outside would
look totally similar to a placenteral mammal but isn't. The difference
isn't just in the reproductive system. Their brains are set up in
different ways. They represent a signidicantly different type of
organism to mammals and egg-type animals. But you'd never know if you
looked at them. Koalas are quite, kangaroos are gunny and possums are
..well...they're just possums.
I don't even know where I'm going with this. Oh yeah. So there's the
stuff that people accept they don't know. It's the sort of stuff they
know through listening to critical psychiatrists such as Bentall and
Moncrieff. But then there's the real funky stuff. The Einstein stuff.
Welll...really...Colombus might be more appropriate. Exploring uncharted
lands of science.
The internal experience of consciousness has always eluded science,
language and society. Mental health lacks true science but it lacks the
basic thinking. What are you pathologising? Is it an illness or is it
part of the human condition?
Is there something more to consciousness that's yet to be understood.
People believe in the possibility of aliens. Atheists often do. Yet
their perception can be limited. The assumption is aliens look like
grey, bug eyed humanoids. The assumption si they're like us. They take
physical form. The length of time involved in evolution created human
life. Consider the length of the universe. Consider what could have
evolved way beyond our comprehension in that time. All I know of time
and change is the more time there is, i.e. the later you look, the more
change there is. Consider how much humans have evolved in 2000 years.
We're still barbarians but at least we're reaching for the stars. Now
consider how short that time is in the length of the universe.
Why can't my non-corporeal force, the thing that I commune with, the
voice in your head or whatever other intepretations of the same concept
be an alien consciousness we barely have the power to describe with our
pitiful language. Every epoch tries to understand this influence. Those
that come in to awareness of this otherness are influenced by and judged
by the norms of their time.
It is not a good god or a bad god. I know I'm too small to understand
the truth. I think the only objective statement is...it is. Those that
"touch the sky" (as Hendrix would put it) have been called many names
and many labels over the years. It's coming to Halloween soon. A
celebration that also resonaes with the persecution of the mad. The
witches. Those who today would get a diagnosis. Thankfully treatments
have a long way to go. Society moreso.
But I chose to imagine. One day the mad will be accepted. Maybe we'll
all be mad in this utopian future. Or normal. The labels will have no
meaning because the individual will be the valuable thing. As society
shifts from Industrial Revolution values to the the third wave of
humanity, somewhat guessed at by Alvin Toffler in his book the Third
Wave, the value of the mentally ill becomes seen.
There are many human qualities that a computer has yet to achieve. Ford
is a manufacturer that was the rising star of the Industrial Revolution.
It epitomised it. The same thing could be produced very cheaply for
everyone. Advanced technology could proliferate to the masses while the
elite still afforded bespoke or small run commodities based upon valuing
excellence or personal fit over the quality of an inferior good. The
masses got cars the same, TVs the same, the same schooling, the same
testing, the same education and the same work structures. Everything
became standardised and robot like because the state of society valued
logic and ration and reason above everything else. Science became the
new religion.
But science is a religion and the same problems of dogma and prejudice
and bias affect the religion that hates all those things. The Age of
Reason was a turning point but the philosophy and faith of science had
had proponents for many centuries. It was Hero who theorised the steam
engine however there was no will because humans could be used as slaves.
I think it was Archemidies but I'm not sure. Anyway, some other Roman
geezer worked out that when you launch a projectile into the air it
doesn't just run out of energy and drop. It slowly falls in a parabolic
curve. The scienctists of the time believed different but he guessed
otherwise. When they tried to bombard a city the predictions of the
consensus of science kept falling short. Archemidies or which ever Roman
geezer worked it out said that they don't just run out of energy like a
car or something. His guess (hypothesis) worked though and the Roman
projectiles hit the target closer.
Think it was Newton who invented gravity. ( :~0 ) But then other people
attribute other people to the steam engine. The Roman's really knew
their shit. They used to treat mania iwth spring waters but I don't
think they understood the neurochemical effect of lithium. In fact I
still reckon the lithium levels would have been too low compared to the
levels used in the treatment of bipolar today. Perhaps it's just the
effect of the patient believing the healer. It was only in the late 19th
century that Karl Lange started experimenting with it's use in
psychiatry (the reference is an obscure paper in the BJPsych which I
can't remember). It was only in the mid-to-late 20th century that it was
licensed for use bythe FDA.
Romme references a book called The breakdown of the bicameral model:
.....and I forget the rest of the title. Somehting like "a higher state
of awareness" or something. Anwyay, what it says is perhaps our
perception of consciousness has become flawed. Knowledge can still
become forgotten, or ignored and blinkered out because it's a hard thing
to accept the possibility of. Just read Romme and Escher's book
Accepting Voices. It's well worth it. Keep an open mind. And enjoya
glass of wine while you're doing it. Then step into the world of the
didn't know I didn't even know about that. I'm going to have another
spliff now.
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