She loves you

What would you think if that thought came into your head?

It came into mine two nights ago. Other people may have interpreted it
as their own thought but I don't. There were 2 other people in the room.
A good male friend and a very pretty girl who I'd met once before.

A 'normal' experience of consciousness would lead me to think that part
of me had assessed her body language or part of me wanted to believe
that this lady loved me. Whatever was the cause of the thought, it was a
thought created by me.

I didn't sense it as my own thought. It could have been my friend's
thought in my head. "you" could have meant him or me, but the thought
was from him and appeared in my mind. Here's where it gets stranger. It
could also have been a thought from the pretty lady's head. She was the
only she in the room, by physical gender. The soul or spirit, or the
psychology of the individual, isn't defined by biological gender. I
might be a bit of a girly man (metrosexual) and my mate was cooking up
chutney and gumbo. Who was the "she" isn't determined by biology alone
in this mad world I live in.

The thought could also have come from outside the room from someone
significant in my life. A spurious transmission.

I explain this small bit of my life to explain how different
consciousness can be after the period of discover of inner consciousness
very different from 'normal' or consensus experience. Other people may
go through moment like this but dismiss it, ignore it or chose not to
explore it.

Even the word "love"could mean many things in the way I experience
certain thoughts. I didn't explore into the meaning.

There's that direct thinking sense then there are other senses. As you
can imagine it takes longer for me to process what's going on. The other
sense was a more conscious sense of what was happening in the room. Body
language and language. The pauses. Eye movements. subtle tells. External
reality processed by the conscious engine we call the human mind.
Reality processed 'normally'.

I think the pretty lass may have been interested in me. I'm not sure.
I'm arrogant, loud, talk about myself and bore people with facts. I have
a pony tail, am going bald, stink because I'm rarely showering at the
moment, dress fairly badly at the moment and don't even bother to cut my
nails. But some women overlook all that. Or they don't notice it all
when they first meet me and it can be in seconds of meeting that lasting
desire is triggered.

But the real elephant in the room, the big unspoken thing seemed to be
the relationship between the other people in the room. My mate is a
good, decent man. He's nothing like me. He's honourable, sensitive to
women and shy. He's one of the real good guys in life, the meek who will
inherit the earth. Seperate to my internal process were the signs and
cues and tells bending what was being spoken between the two other
people in the room. The problem is accurately attributing what's really
happening. I don't have good Theory o the Mind but I try to be accurate
rather than assess based on guesswork or intuiiton. It might leave me
looking somewhat autistic or socially dense. Were I to guess I'd say
that the triendship had that underlying later to it that many male
female relationships have, the When Harry Met Sally effect.

But I don't know. This is an insight into what I face in processing a
stuation often to disregard the information and keep going with the
possibility of the information still present but the truth that I act
upon is based on the thing I'd called objective, and often this is
absent. If the pair had kissed in front of me then I think I'd be
confident to say there may be some underlying attraction in the
friendship. Even the When Harry Met Sally theory - stated in the film as
male-female friendships canm't exist without attraction also being
involved (I think that's what they said anyway) - isn't a fact of the
situation. I can make a guess from the cues but to act on them would be
wrong, and those cues can be misinterpreted.

It's a shame if those two can't get together and thrash it out in bed. I
quite fancy the lass too. It's emotionally exhausting having to go
through the long process of getting her to accept my self-harm scars. I
think I might see if she wants to be friends first. Lovers come and go
but friends stay, and it's not owrth investing my emotions to show my
self-harm scars to someone who's not going to bother to stay in my life.