second generation antipsychotic. I used to take it with 2500mg of sodium
valporate regularly and up to 3000mg. I also took up to 225mg of sodium
venlaflaxine - a SNRI and SSRI with proven efficacy in treatment
resistant depression.
Quetapine is a similar type of antipsychotic right down to the chemical
type and is the only other antipsychotic to be of the same class as
clozapine. I don't know if my psychiatrist saw very high doses of
quetapine as an alternative to clozapine. Clozapine is a broadspectrum
antipsychotic and works across a range of D receptors (where the
antipsychotic neurochemical mechanism is meant to work) whereas I think
quetapine may be a bit more targeted in its action. Quetapine didn't
have the side effect of agranulocytosis or neuropenia as far as I am
aware (these are the blood disorders that lead to death).
Why didn't I kill myself while I was on all that medication? The strong
antidepressant I was taking wasn't a bad buzz but it wasn't going to
fill the emptiness in my soul. The mood stabilisers wrecked my life but
I self-medicated to overcome that barrier to life and emotion using
illegal drugs. The effect of the antipsychotic was the most important
part of the cocktail and here's why: I couldn't be bothered to kill
myself. I wanted to do it but didn't have the energy. This may be why
depression can be a protective factor against suicidal ideation turning
to act (and perhaps why some people attempt suicide shortly after taking
antidepressants).
My personal experience of antipsychotics is just that though. A person
is left with minimal volition as an effect of reducing aggression. I
still wanted to kill myself. I preferred death to another day of life
(though there were some good periods too). "Dead man walking" was a
phrase that made sense to me at the time. When I heard the phrase
"chemical cosh" to describe these drugs it also meant sense to me.
Anyone who's smoked weed - the standard stuff, not skunk - will know
that feeling of being chilled and monged out. They'll know the feeling
of not being arsed. They'll know a feeling that's a little bit like
depression but self-induced and enjoyable. They may also understand how
that might 'treat' aggression and suicide.
Having the tools to induce passivity or avolition is something that must
be used with caution. The tool allows the capability to prevent death by
suicide, to dull the externalisations of psychotic experiences and to
reduce the risk of harm by aggression (verbal or physical) or homicide.
It also impedes an individual's free will.
The action of antipsychotics is to reduce a person's ability to express,
to feel and to experience themselves like anyone else. It makes people
not give a shit about anything and gives them the capability to keep on
living, filling the days with whatever they can until finally a natural
death gives them peace from a world that won't accept their being.
No comments:
Post a Comment