medication and I managed to mask with self-medication for a while.
There's another mask I use. The psychological mask. It's what we all use
to disguise our internal madness.
I might have showered twice this week and stayed in the same clothes for
three days in a row but when I go out people see a reasonably clean
person with the mask of arrogance and exuberance. It takes a lot of
alcohol to break that mask down or a very perceptive person. I've lsot a
lot of weight from not eating but I've tried what I can and it seems at
the moment drinking stimulates my appetite and supplements my calorie
intake. There's a high degree of isolation - self-imposed and otherwise
caused. Other factors have caused that but it is actually a blessing and
I'm sure a lot of people are glad that I'm withdrawing.
That immediately sounds like depression, perhaps. Perhaps it's just
laziness or convenience. Perhaps it's just who I really am or it's how I
feel externalising in my behaviour. It may even be punishment from the
thing that other people call god for all my wrongs and sins and evil.
The thing is, were it anyone else I'd suggest that they start getting
out more and taking St John's Wort or omega-3 fish oils. Instead after
two days off alcohol I'm going to go out and drink myself into oblivion
to kick start my process to returning to a fully functioning state.
I can recognise the depression even though there's limited amounts of
low mood. There's lots of negative thinking but that's normal for me. I
can even smile at that thought. I know the things that I need to do like
eat more, wash more, exercise, get fresh air and sunshine, keep the mind
and body active as well as the pharmacological pick me ups. I can even
skip past the bullshit of NHS doctors and get some medication from
Mexico without prescription though that's far from an ideal situation.
Instead I blog, drink, think and snap away.
No comments:
Post a Comment