I wish I was dead

About a year ago I blew out the candles on my birthday cake. In my
stream of consciousness 'I' wished for something. I wished I was dead,
but it wasn't my wish. It wasn't my thought. In my head the thought came
from somewhere else.

Since that day I've quit two jobs because I was suicidal. I've not made
an attempt recently but I wish I had. Another day of this life is too
much but I still get through it one day at a time.