Thursday 26 May 2011

I wonder if people can understand?

A few days ago I explained to a doctor that thoughts of suicide are a constant in my life. Even when I am in a phase of positivity I still think and wish for the end of my life?

Why? It doesn't even matter any more. A shortened life is a better life, that's all.

But imagine what it feels like. Imagine what struggling onwards feels like. Imagine what it is like on the inside, forever hoping my next attempt is final.

Of course I have no immediate plans.

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We It comes in part from an appreciation that no one can truly sign their own work. Everything is many influences coming together to the one moment where a work exists. The other is a begrudging acceptance that my work was never my own. There is another consciousness or non-corporeal entity that helps and harms me in everything I do. I am not I because of this force or entity. I am "we"