Simplifying suicide

A couple of days ago I was rambling at a doctor friend of mine. I can
speak to her about suicide for various reasons. She's know me a long time.

Our discussions came round to an important point. There are two areas of
suicidality for me. There's the constant sure to die or not exist that's
been part of my adult life and rarely wanes for more than a few months.
This is what will kill me. This is why I don't enter into relationships,
even open ones, unless I'm being an idiot. In the past life factors have
brought me to make attempts but they don't anymore. I've tried to kill
myself in the past for lots of reasons. There have been triggers. But
I'm used to the triggers now and generally don't care about the shit
that life throws at me. The hardest thing has been recently where I've
been trying to "go to sea" and put down my "pistol and ball" (these
phrases come from the first line of Moby Dick and were often quoted by
the suicidologist Edwin Shneidman).

Simplifying suicide is the last thing anyone should do. People need
simplicity but it's just too complex. Someone might think I should take
some antidepressants to get me high so I won't feel suicidal. That sort
of thinking comes from someone with no experience. I've taken sodium
venlaflaxine for three years with a dose of an antipsychotic and mood
stabiliser. Sodium venlaflaxine is the best high available as on the NHS
as far as I am aware: it's used in the treatment of treatment resistant
depression. It didn't work on me. I was just too chilled or tired to
kill myself. I still wanted to do it though. I still thought those thoughts.

I'm much older now. I want to kill myself but I live and I continue to
try to find a way to live. Waiting for a natural death is what I have to
do for now but I wish it would happen sooner. I feel like the grandpa of
Kyle in South Park who's always trying to kill himself but he can't do
it directly. He does risky things in the hope that something will
eventually kill him. I ponder whether I should try parachuting. lol.
(the difference between comedy and tragedy is time which is why I can
laugh at that).