My faith is correct

God is a fucking cunt.

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Am I evil?

Is this why all this is happening to me?

I...I can't think why life and people have treated me how they treated me. Fortune or fate, something cursed me.

I know I've done bad things and I'm not a good person. I'm far from perfect. I never meant to harm though. I don't think I'm evil.

I must be though or perhaps I was evil in a past life. My life feels like a curse. I wonder why I'm being punished so hard?

I know people probably have worse lives than me. Shit. I'm in a psychiatric ward. Loads of people here have had worse lives than me. I wonder why it happened to them.

I must be evil for all this ill to be wrought upon me. So much ill wrought upon one person.

I wonder when the final straw will come? I wonder if, for my evil, I will be tortured to death.

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Ha ha ha

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Cry for help or cry from a part of my psyche which needed to cry out

Crying is useful for me. I tend to do it alone. It is a good way to get out negative emotions.

I've not been crying much recently. In fact my mood has been better. I've been working hard for a few months with reasonable energy levels. In the last few weeks things have gotten difficult for other reasons.

I'm well aware I'm miserable. I think I've just gotten tired of seeing just why I'm so miserable.

Nothing has changed except I've wept a lot. My life is shit. Lost love. Shitty finances. Fucking shit world. Loads of other stuff.

I'd just forgotten to cry about it. My life feels like shit.

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There are cycles in life

This is the hardest part of deciding about mental health treatment. It is possible to learn to handle the ups and downs whatever way I can. Psychiatric medication comes with lots of complications, including the side effects problem. There are other risks too.

These cycles can heal themselves. The use of psychiatric drugs may stop important life processes which we don't yet fully understand. These painful processes might be good for personal growth.

Sadly the overwhelming number of negative experiences would shred asunder the strongest people.

Too much inequity and the tyranny of evil can kill a soul.

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I wonder if I'm 'locked in' or not

I hold a lot in. Blogging helps. Talking does a little.

Sometimes there are no words. It is just shit. It will get better.

I have become a pensive loner.

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I'm sitting in a psychiatric ward...

...and having a shit of a day. I remember one of the mantras I used to get me through things. Same shit, different day.

I'm wondering what to do. It is good I'm not sectioned but I'm not planning to kill myself, much though death would be preferable.

My mind and body and heart and soul are a wreck. I was feeling burnt out months ago. I don't rest much when it comes to writing and reading and thinking. Though it is good or natural for me to do it is pretty much all I do. I don't play much.

I'm an addict. I'm addicted to working and creating and other stuff. I don't take holidays. I rarely have days off when I'm doing anything other than thinking about mental health.

I used to enjoy things. Drinking with friends. Photography. These ended up getting left behind because I was poor. I've been working hard on things without any financial reward, and money helps to enable a better life. It is not just better things. It is a tool for freedom.

I left an organisation and a job I loved. I think I will never see the girl of my dreams again. I was still miserable and a mess back then. Then I made the foolish mistake of asking for help because I didn't want to die.

Since then my life has got worse and worse and worse. So if I'm crying I'm not sure it is depression. It is a response anyone would have in my situation. Perhaps some of my externalisations and more intune with a mental illness but I've managed to hold in a lot of the crazy, even when life and people...proved me right.

I have a cognitive bias or something where I see the bad in me and rarely see the good. This might end up sounding like anhedonia or something. Not sure. it might have been a few months ago but things have gotten better with respect to my mood. I still feel like shit but it is a different shit.

At the same time I've gotten even more isolated and more driven by mental health stuff. It is an obsessive quest. I have turned into a machine. I just spout mental health stuff like a fund of knowledge. This means I'm pretty boring to talk to. I don't know what is going on in the world or what's on tv. I'm not even into music anymore. I don't have sound on my broken computer.

My life is a wreck, my heart is in pain, I am tired and I can't nor don't particularly want to take a rest. I'm not sure what I would do.

I think I need to rest though. I need fun. I need to relax. I need to be shooting again. I need to get back to office work. That's the treatment plan for me.

I'm just wondering about drugs. Right now no words are going to help. Life needs to get better. The problem is it may not get better without drugs.

I don't think staying here will make me better and I think it is making me worse.

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Neuroplasticity and dementia

I really need to learn a lot more about dementia and neuroplasticity.

I'm winging it when it comes to challenging drug treatments which don't heal the brain. I'm so reckless in this respect I should be a gp.

I wonder if neuroplasticity could be used to lessen the impact of dementia, perhaps as an early intervention technique.

I'm guessing wildly in the dark. I'm guessing as people retire some take up active pursuits and others don't. Some may retire to watch TV whereas others may do other life activities which help program the brain to work.

It doesn't have to be work which achieves this brain training. I would suggest the elderly should be enjoying the best years of their life. By keeping their body active some are stay healthy and living longer. Brain training therapy or activities designed to combat the sort of dementia symptoms which lead to the use of the chemical cosh.

It might be playing sudoku or computer games. I'm not sure what the elderly are into. It might be social contact but I think this may not be enough. Not sure. This is the sort of thing which someone must have researched. Can late life activities reduce the onset of dementia symptoms and their severity?

This sort of thing could be an alternative to the chemical cosh wherever it is used. Schizophrenics would ordinarily spend their lives in a ward until the changes in the 21st century. There they would be left to rot. Without the brain training which is forced through modern post-industrial age work systems schizophrenics, the demented and others would end up with brain detrioration perhaps and no optimisation through applied neuroplasticity. Cognitive deficits could be the result of treatment and life course rather than a disease. Brain differences may be what happens with different sorts of reality processing. Schizophrenic types may use different parts of their brain to process reality. Over time this leads to brain differences as well as the damage caused by treatment.

Again, I'm probably oversimplifying something which is a lot more complex. What I'm saying is the model of mental illness may be false and a result of other things. Treatment needs to think of new, non-drug avenues.

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People who kill for money are called assassins

They were recruited back in the day with the promise of hashish and other delights. To get that lifestyle they had to learn how to kill.

Today these types sell their souls for much more. They benefit from untold wealth and luxury. In return they benefit from the misery and early deaths and suicides of so many people.

Their bonuses are blood money. They gambles kill people. They get paid handsomely for their crimes. Cocaine and champagne replace hashish. The drugs don't matter to the dead though. Whether by blade or by bankrupcy, the result for too many people is the same.

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The same goes for the bankers

The rule is thou shalt not kill you bunch of fucking cunts.

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It is obvious that any decent society takes care of their elders

Thankfully I'm not from a decent society.

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Doctors who kill patients, cause illnhess and reduce life expectancy using the chemical cosh

Need to be punished just like any other murdering doctor. Harold shipman for example.

They should be stripped of their professional roles and put in jail. Or better yet, incarcerated in psychiatric wards and forcibly treated with clozapine.

This is, after all, what the law is there for. To protect the people fronm murderers in white coats or any other profession.

In one year doctors killed almost twice as many elderly people with unnecessary chemical treatment than there were homicides committed. None were prosecuted but they should be.

Great change takes great sacrifice but it shouldn't have been at the cost of so many lives. The great leap fforward is what happens once the doctors are in jail. This is not the same as corporate manslaughter. It is different. Doctors have a different responsibility. This is why they are allowed to get away with it but it ends now.

I hope there are a lot of medical students ready to fill the place of the murderers. Or perhaps prisons/psych wards will be where people will need to go to see their doctor in the short term.

The great future is what this is all about, a future where people uphold the first commandment said by a schizophrenic. For fucks sake. It has been 2000 years. It isn't rocket science. The message is seen everywhere where we find the better part of humanity.

We do not kill anyone for their behaviour, you bunch of fucking cunts, unless they want to be killed.

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Anyone who thinks the disabled should be automatically entitled to free university education is an idiot

Education is a right, not a privilege, for everyone.

Modern occupational requirements create a glass ceiling for many who
don't get a degree. There are other skills which people learn at
university and other experiences which contribute to better outcomes in
later life.

The idiots are right but only if you consider the social model and what
modern education offers. "No degree" is currently a predictor of worse
life outcomes (I guess) which makes it a disability.

Of course society could change such that people didn't need a university
education to prosper but that doesn't negate the university experience
and the skills acquired, skills which most people won't have the
opportunity to learn ever again.

I'm not the best example of a person with a degree who's done well in
life. I have little wealth in terms of commonly accepted measures.
University forced me to learn how to learn. I learned social skills. I
learned about people. I learned to drink and take drugs. I learned to
survive severe mental illness with only one spell on medication. It
forced me to learn how to pass an exam while hallucinating from 3 days
without sleep.

University is challenging and demanding. It pushes students harder than
they've ever been pushed before,. It is a safe environment where people
are free to explore themselves and develop. It is not like office life.
Not for most people without a degree.

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Disciplinarians and my mental health

Discuss,

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Whoever sad we have to be creul to be kind was an idiot

We have to be cruel because we're cruel.

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Who ever said crime doesn't pay is an idiot

It does. Psychiatrists and doctors are the biggest suppliers of
narcotics in the world,. And they can get away with the manslaughter of
the elderly.

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We don't kill people for the worst crimes..

...except social crimes, those which mental health deals with. We do
kill people for these crimes.

Words can be harmful

"Chill the fuck out." This is what society says with the Community
Treatment Order. The chemical cosh causes the harm because society lacks
insight.

The warning label on life

Living causes a slow and painful death.

Thankfully smoking makes it a pleasurable one.

Are doctors or the government criminally responsible for any deaths caused by chemical suppression of behaviour

There are many tools to suppress unwanted behaviour which ave been used
by psychiatry.

The power handed to doctors is provided by the medico-legal framework
however the people who write the medico-legal framework and the people
who chemically coshed the elderly to death are not doing anything really
related to healthcare. They use chemical means to solve a cultural and
sociological problem,

They killed them unnecessarily they the kept on doing it. Unacceptable
behaviour comes at a worse price than crime: death.

When an individual makes an informed choice that they want to die then
that is fine. If an individual makes an informed choice to consume
something which will reduce their life expectation then this is fine too.

However, if punishment for social ugliness - aberrant, difficult or
challenging behaviour - is reduced life expectancy and the treatment
doesn't deal the disease and actually causes harm and doesn't rectify
the prognosis then....this isn't fine. This is a crime.

I would find it amusing if doctors and ministers were forced to take
these medications for a couple of years. Clozapine. Yes. a fitting
choice. A drug which was withdrawn because it killed patients when
treating their behaviour. Their deaths weren't enough to stop this
crime. Perhaps the deaths of some doctors and ministers might bring this
problem onto the agenda.

There is no law against death by social control using chemical means.
This would be the sort of thing we might find in a Mental Health Act - a
real one. Instead the current act empowers doctors to commit the crime
of murder. The current act allows people to be killed by forced use of
the chemical cosh.

Perhaps what is needed rather than punishment is a way forward - perhaps
a new Mental Health (and illness) Act which clearly defines what mental
health is and what is allowed to be done and not done. Patients can make
a choice to use harmful chemicals prescribed by doctors and I'm sure
they'll legalise assisted suicide at some point too. This is all about
patient choice.

Perhaps not. After all that's happened to me I feel like a bit of
revenge. I want heads to roll. Lots of them. After all, isn't punishment
an awfully good deterrent? Isn't that why murder has punishment
associated with it? To stop it happening. Every doctor currently
prescribing chemicals for the treatment of behavioural and emotional
disorders is a criminal every time the treatment kills the patient. They
kill patients when they treat genuine illnesses and this is where their
privilege to kill comes from. However the doctors that kill their
patients in the name of 'treatment' are no different from murderers.
They just have white coats, good salaries and all the rest of the good
things which society gives to murdering cunts with a medical degree.

Shit. Still alive.

Not even a fucking attempt. Nothing.

God is a fucking cunt. Looks like I will have to do it on my own.

Shit....even crime pays better than charity work

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A schizophrenic once said Thou Shalt Not Kill

The first commandment is more complicated 2000 years later.

It is Asimov's law of robotics I think. Thou shalt not kill indirectly.

However if a person wants death for themself then this is the only time
when death is allowed to be effected on someone.

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Can management information systems save lives?

Heck yeah.

Performance management is the application of scientific techniques to
the performance of organisations. In this sense it is quite simple but
the devil is in the implementation.

a simple measure is treatment and death. This was how the manslaughter
of the elderly using antipsychotics was detected. Those treated lived
half as long as those not treated. It took a research study to publicise
this healthcare disaster. A decent performance management system would
have prevented this disaster sooner.

The management information systems need to be place first. The data
needs to be record and centrally collected. When I used to work in
childrens services this was achieved by periodic data returns where
local councils submitted their data to the government. New technology
makes it possible to easily access the data at local level with a much
higher frequency - perhaps even instantaneously. This possibility made a
reality through the advance of IT systems could make it possible for
national level monitoring of performance to protect patients.

This may sound like Big Brother culture applied to the NHS but I feel
this is an ad homenim argument. The privacy and autonomy concerns of
health professionals doesn't outweigh patient safety. These are the sort
of systems which might be able to detect doctors like Harold Shipman or
prevent unnecessary deaths in social care such as Victoria Climbe.

The voices of the dead..

...the souls...might have something to say about abortions.

In a world with declining fertility and populations growth I don't think we need to be killing potential lives for convenience.

I think once they are conscious and sentient then they can make a choice to return.

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Exam stress, mental health and societies construct

If I remember my QI the first exam was invented at Oxford. I mean written tests rather than interviews.

This sort of testing is a scientific method and the new advance of mass schooling required mass testing techniques.

Today exam grades and academic achievement are important for social and employment status. The best people have lots of letters before and after their names. They also have better paid jobs.

Those who do well in academic constructs can manage exam stress. They have to.

One day though there will be a different system. I don't know what it is but the system wouldn't create the peaking of anxiety and stress which the current written examination system causes.

Coursework is already an important part of many discipines and examination systems. Many though still retain a test of everything in an examination day or whatever - a short period.

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I have a poor memory of certain faces...

....but I have a good memory for certain souls.

The line between healthcare and social control

One is individuals have the right to consume whatever they want if they're aware of the consequences.

Smokers can see on the label that it is killing them. They can chose to ignore this or they can chose to read it and make a choice to smoke regardless of the evidence.

I make a joke sometimes about a study which I read on cancer caused by smoking. It increases the chances of colo-rectal - bum - cancer by 26%. Those smokers are clearly smoking the wrong way.

I know just how dangerous smoking is and I'm thankful for it however I would prefer a quicker way to die. Smoking is just a good way to die, apart from the last bit.

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Socrates and schizophrenia and suicide

Why am I think about this now?

For some reason Socrates' death came into my head. He was forced to kill
himself when this was considered an acceptable form of punishment for
his heretical views. He was a schizophrenic who is also the god father
of modern science in my opinion.

What society would still repress this valuable human type?

I would what women think of the wank bank?

I hope they'd approve. It is a compliment. It means I want to shag you.

Some, of course, may see it as blatant sexual objectification. It is.

When?

Someone might be foolish enough to think there's already a Mental Health
Act. There isn't. There's a Mental Illness Act which covers severe
psychiatric crisis in practice.

There are few rights and guarantees. Most rights are taken away with
certain sections of the current Act. For example, it has not been
defined if it is acceptable to kill people for their behaviour or
emotions. In practice this is what is currently happening and
psychiatrists are allowed to do it as are GPs.

Do we, as a modern society, have a right to kill people using chemicals
to suppress behaviour and emotion? Do we as a race allow the suppression
of human difference using chemicals because this is what the temporary
construct of post-Industrial Age society has the power to do. If it is
deemed moral to exercise this power then should doctors be the ones
doing it? And should any entity which suppresses human difference be
allowed to kill the individual in the process?

These questions are fundamental to the progress of civilisations. The
slaves are now free. When is it time to set the different free from the
subjugation of their type using chemicals and the label of mental illness?

It will happen. Of that I am certain. It might take a hundred years or a
thousand. That's the journey to reach the objective. That's the time
progress takes to happen.

The When can start whenever enough people say: today. The time for the
change is now.

Mens rea, you bunch of fucking cunts

Any unreasonable person would never allow the elderly to be killed for
their behaviour.

What's the first rule (and why swearing necessary

Thou shalt not kill, thou bunch of fucking cunts.

First do no harm, you bunch of fucking cunts.

The problem is those bunch of fucking cunts in healthcare forget they're
not meant to be there to effect social regulation or suppress bejhaviour
or judge upon problems of society. They're never meant to kill people
for these reasons because they're not meant to be there to do these
things in the first place.

You bunch of fucking cunts. The reason it is the first rule is because
it is fucking obvious. You do not kill people or harm people to enforce
social regulation or enforce a convenience to society.

You bunch of fucking cunts have killed too many people in the last
century. It will end because when you forget the first rule you lose all
dignity and credibility.

You bunch of fucking cunts. stop killing the elderly and schizophrenics
and all the rest. It is 2011. We are not civilised or developed nor have
any reason to hold our heads up high, not when we as a society kill.

You bunch of fucking cunts.

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It is logical, rational and reasonable for me to exit this life

interpreting the results of a study which hasn't happened yet. (the research into the next generation of antipsychotic drugs)

If all major tranquilisers had approximately equal effect sizes on
delusions and hallucinations...then what would this mean?

I'm imagining the results of a hypothetical retrospective meta-analysis
of major tranquiliser treatments solely looking at the effect on
delusions and hallucinations.

I'm also thinking about the placebo effect. There are few if any modern
placebo controlled trials of antipsychotic treatment as usual. Would a
result where all drugs performed approximately the same (once
publication bias had been taken into account and other techniques such
as large sample sizes are used to ensure the result is as close to the
best truth as possible. I wonder if it's worth excluding early trails
because these usually show favourable results and later trials show less
positive and more strong negative results?) indicate that none of the
drugs have a direct pharmacological action which actively works to
reduce the delusions and hallucinations.

The opposite of what I'm taking about is one drug being significantly
more effective than all the others. This is the key result for patients.
This is the drug which doctors should prescribe to patients who expect
an antipsychotic effect from their drug treatment. It is also a first
step to a new direction in drug research. Though they all work on
dopamine receptors each drug works on a different profile and not all
limit their neurobiological action to D receptors, for example clozapine
also works on 5HT receptors if memory serves me. There are 2 main D
receptors and 3 others which are like them and I guess each drug has a
different rpofile when targetting these receptors. Each chemical is
slightly different too and there are three generations of
antipsychotics: first generation or typical and atypical ones of which
there is now a new generation heralded by Abilify. Perhaps one drug in
the last half century holds the key to the effect of medication which
patients want and expect, and which may also significantly contribute to
diminishing what I guess is the core of a lot of the pathology and distress.

Of course there may be other results. What would be ideal is a normal
distribution of effect with one drug clearly peaking. The drugs around
it would be pharmacologically similar and the outlier
performers....hhmmmm...okay....it wouldn't be a normal distribution. It
would be a standard x-y curve or something like that. Bugger. What I
mean is what would be ideal is a curve of performance which related to
phamocological/neurobiological action in a clear way. This would point
to the possibility of a chemical solution for the suppression of the
delusions and hallucinations for those patients who want this effect.

On another note.

Off the evidence from one qualitative paper on clozapine I'm making a
guess that clozapine patients are poor placebo responders to the
antipsychotic effect of major tranquilisers. Few patients got an
antipsychotic effect and those that did didn't report the cessation of
the delusions and hallucinations. Clozapine is meant to be the most
effect drug and it is very dangerous to the individual.

I don't know enough about psychiatric cilinical practice to know if some
psychiatrists would put a patient on clozapine if there was no effect on
the delusions and hallucinations from 2 trials of antipsychotics at
standard doses. If they did this would be fucking stupid. They would be
unnecessarily killing the patient for a small or non-existent treatment
effect.

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Evidence that time is the greatest healer

When I walk about an ECT review which powerfully demonstrates the power
of the placebo effect I might be talking about a different effect when I
consider the results on 2 year follow up.

Time is a great healer.

Placebex: the next generation of antipsychotic

Placebex boldly goes where no antipsychotic has gone before: it will cease the delusions and hallucinations of schizophrenia.

I am suggesting this idea as an immoral healthcare experiment.

The public and doctors will hear of a new drug for schizophrenia. It is given as an adjunct to current treatments. Placbex will be marketed just like any other psychiatric drug is marketed. It will be marketed as a miracle cure.

Practioners will be expected to report back on performance in clinical practice as part of a new way to measure if treatment is effective. It's a paradigm taken from the Improved Access to Psychological Therapies scheme where patients were monitored at a much higher level than any other new treatment program.

The purpose of this insane idea? To test one thing: the power of the placebo effect.

Of course it would be far too immoral to lie to patients that there was a treatment that would stop the delusions and hallucinations in schizophrenia....oh shit....that's already happened.

Something else has already happened too. In the last decade counterfeit Zyprexa/olanzapine ended the supply chain. Patients were given a drug which only had 60% of the active ingredient. This was prescribed to them without doctors or pharmcists realising their medication levels were lowered by a criminal gang.

If it is possible to profile where the counterfeit drug was prescribed and where it wasn't and for how long with a high degree of accuracy then there is an opportunity to see just how potent the power of the placebo effect is.

It is so powerful that sham ECT is shown to be as effect as ECT on long term follow up in a review of high quality trials. ECT causes more harm than antipsychotic treatment but antipsychotic treatment is still used on people.

Integrated mental health and social care quasi-therapeutic employment communities which integrate the severely mentally disabled into society (or using big words to explain something simple)

I find this most amusing. This is a reworking of something I suggested 2
years ago at a research workship on therapeutic communities for
personality disorders. Basically I suggested employment therapeutic
communities.

The problem is the therapeutic community model still removes the person
from general, mainstream society. This is also what the benefits system
does. Benefits result in the prison of poverty and also create an
exclusion system because the mentally ill are removed from workplace
culture.

Long story short. What if every large employer needed to employ people
with physical or mental health disabilities by law. These roles could be
part funded by the Department of Health as a treatment but the
individual is tasked with doing a job which contributes to the company's
bottom line. This is meant to be a therapeutic role as well as a social
model treatment to reduce the disability of severe disabilities.

Organisations understand that they have a duty to employ more disabled
people but the rate of employment is poor. This means many people are
trapped in poverty and have no way to get out of it. There are people
with talent, skills and potential being forced off the benefits system
into menial roles. They can't get good work because of their disability,
and one of the impacts of disability is the lack of work experience or
education. This doesn't not mean a person has lost their potential. It
just means society's systems disadvantage them and discriminate against
them.

The legal duty needs to be taken a step further. Every organisation from
investment banks to the intelligence services should seek to create
opportunities designed to be healthcare and social model treatments for
mental illness. They need to create the social model 'lifts and ramps'
which reduced mobility disability by changing society.

There are so many potential benefits to this idea. It is also fucking
crazy. :-)

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I miss you so much

I am...woke up feeling sad and in tears a few minutes ago. Sang a few bars of a song by bill withers.

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

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Assisted suicide and antipsychotics

We can only kill people for their unwanted behaviour if they want to be killed. They can be treated in other ways to be normalised and society can change to be more accepting of difference.

People can also use drugs or procedures to treat behaviour and emotion. This has now got to the point where brain operations are once again being experimented with. This is not the future. This is not what I want to see. However right now they're killing the elderly out of convenience.

If the elderly want to be killed for their behaviour then that's fine. That's assisted suicide.

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The Few and young male suicide today

A few days ago I went down my local pub. It's great. It has lots of
books there. It has a lot of military book and I'll pick up and read
anything. I just like to dip in.

One of the books I picked up was about the RAF benevolent fund. It
brought tears to my eyes. Young men flew to their deaths to defend
London. The Few of Fighter Command.

"Never if the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so
few." The quote brings tears to my eyes even now.

What the fuck is killing young men now? Why are so many dying. fuck the
fact that the methods they chose often bring them success.

Perhaps it's because I'm a suicidal young man that I think about these
two things together. Perhaps it is the same mentality which was behind
the invention of the Foreign Legion. Suicidal men who had their heart
broken left society and went to war.

Adversarial research and proof of bias

In the crazy world where I can get someone to do a retrospective
meta-analysis of high quality trails of major tranquilisers drugs only
looking at the effect of the drug on the measures of delusions and
hallucinations....I want to double the cost.

There is something I want to test and this is a crappy way to do it.
What I would prefer is adversarial research teams to work on an
experimental research question using the same method. Here no new
experiment is being done. The researchers in the trials which have
happened in the past have mainly been working for pharmaceutical
companies or are proponents of the biomedical model.

Here's what I'm proposing. Two totally independent teams doing the same
thing. One is survivor/critical/anti psychiatry. The other is Big
Pharma/psychiatric biomedical mainstream. The two teams are biased in
different ways. They will bring different attitudes to the acquisition
and interpretation of data. There will be diffferences in the nuances.
This is what I expect anyway.

This is a bit like mental health research Ultimate Fighting
Championships. Two teams, each with their own agenda and each with the
same capability to acquire available data attempt to answer the
question: are antipsychotics antipsychotic and if so which one is the
best (and why) at being antipsychotic.

A single team to do this research is not expensive for the value of
answering the research question. Two teams offer something new. They
offer an opportunity to demonstrate, or not, the power of academic
bias..I'm sure there could be a much better experimental design but what
I'm doing is boolting another research question on given an opportunity
to answer another research question, one which is of far greater value
to patients.

Are antipsychotics antipsychotic? If so which one is best? (this is what
the retrospecting meta-analysis of high quality trials will answer.)

Neither of these questions have been answered. The answers may not be
what one or other team of researchers wants to hear.

--
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Please can I ask for a few second of your time to click this link and like my suggestion.
http://tinyurl.com/equalitydata

I need the data about health outcomes sorted by race, gender, age and other characteristics so I can see if disadvantaged groups are being further disdavantaged by London GPs.

I need to get some research done. Do I go to the dark side?

The research into whether antipsychotics are truly antipsychotic must be done otherwise all they are are a chemical cosh. They're a behavioural suppression chemical which kills. They're a convenience used to suppress unwanted behaviour.

Fuck. I sit here in a park drinking wine on my own as I write this. If I wasn't hidden away i'd be considered a mad vagrant. I know what society doesn't want and what it would do if people could see me drink my wine and smoke my spliffs while I write. The first person to have ect is described to have lived in his own filth. The psychiatrist didn't use any anesthitic. After the first shock the patient begged him not to do it again. The psychiatrist shocked him again. Today the treatment has been shown not to work.

Anyway. Do I go to Big Pharma with my idea? The pharmaceutical companies want to do what patients and politicians want. The public and patients expect antipsychotics to be antipsychotic. A psychiatrist might disagree.

There is no evidence a psychiatrist can use to give a patient who wants their delusions and hallucinations to stop the right drug for what they want. Any antipsychotic effect may be a placebo effect. I guess this from the German qualitative paper on clozapine. Few patients noticed any antipsychotic effect and those that did said the voices got a little fainter. It makes me think clozapine patients may be poor placebo responders. Some may only end up on the drug because they are not good placebo responders on the measure of effect on delusions and hallucinations.

So this could be corporate suicide too. If their drugs are not antipsychotic then what the fuck are they?

I know one thing. These drugs kill the patient and don't offer better outcomes in the long run.

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People might think it strange to my friends that I am jokey and stuff

My desire to die is no longer a dirty little secret.

I want death. People now know it. They don't know just how much I want death and for how long. I have always been a troubled, tearaway. The result and the inner experiences have left me weary and like a wounded soldier. My bones are broken and blood is pouring out, metaphorically speaking. I can not take this slow death any longer. That is all that I see of the rest of my life.

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Mens rea and death

I'm no lawyer but I can grasp a basic idea. In UK law mens rea is the
principle of culpability.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mens_rea#England

"Criminal negligence: the actor did not actually foresee that the
particular consequences would flow from his actions, but a reasonable
person, in the same circumstances, would have foreseen those consequences"

The government didn't see the dementia deaths as anything but a medical
accident. Were it any other industry it would be corporate manslaughter.
Instead the Department of Health wrote back to me saying they're still
fucking doing it.

I'm no lawyer but I thought the difference between a cock up and a fuck
up is when doctors continue to keep killing the elderly for their behaviour.

Lest we forget

Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few.

Lest we forget the Few of Fighter Command immortalised by Churchill's words.

Lest we forget how young men died and what they died for. Those young men would fly to their deaths. They did it for a reason though. They believed in a dream.

They would cry unashamedly if they were alive today. We do too little for those young men and women who fight in places like Afganistan. They, they are the Few now.

Too many veterans kills themselves now. Too many young men do too.

Lest any of us forget that the Few gave their lives for the freedom we have today.

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We can not kill the elderly for their behaviour

So easy to state but so pointless in this shit of a life.

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What future sees the elderly not killed for their behaviour?

It is a brutal question for our modern reality. We place our ethics and morals to the test when we fail to answer the question of should we kill the cranky elderly.

But this life is shit and crazy and demands a solution to the problem.

What is the solution in a modern world that would kill the elderly?

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Why do I breathe?

Those who understand the point of the question will often understand more about life than those who never ask.

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Why equaliity?

Why the fuck not? Like we've got anything better to do with our lives but accumalate material wealth and social prestige. That doesn't work for human happiness, not once a person has it. So why not be miserable doing something useful.

Fuck though. This shitty argument for the drive for equality ain't enough.

How about the sentiment any schizophrenic or bipolar knows? We are born equal and we will die equal. What happens in between is just a product of a fucked up world, unless there is no difference to the middle and the beginning and the end of life. We should be equal in life.

What if I argued for human progress, but humanities progress has always depended on the full spectrum of humanity. Those who have driven the progress of humanity are usually of a type which would otherwise be disadvantaged because they were different. History picks out the disadvantaged which created human progress but we all forget those who do it every day by being different, and being disadvantaged in their own time because of it. What if equality is all what the greats of history achieve but so many more are unrecognised?

What if I played a guilt trip on you and said if you don't want equality then you're responsible for the deaths of those who are disadvantaged?

Or better yet, what the fuck? Why do I need to ask the question about why we fight for equality? The answer is obvious. It is the same as why do I breathe.

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We do not kill people because they're different

We do not kill anyone because their behaviour is abherrant.

There is no argument required.

If we as a species have any respect for who we are then we adhere to this as much as we adhere to the ban on capital punishment.

We do not kill. A schizophrenic worked this out 2 millenia ago. There is no argument required. He was right.

Perhaps I should repeat what he said but with my intepretation.

Thou shalt not fucking kill you bunch of cunts.

The first fucking commandment.

The commandment is even more important as science has progressed. Let me say it again.

Thou shalt not fucking kill you bunch of fucking cunts. Unless someone asks to die.

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Notes on looked after children

These kids have really bad life outcomes I guess. The suffering and trauma they suffer may haunt them their entire lives. Their life opportunities as a looked after child and afters are significantly less than the average.

A lot of them are good kids. They're just messed up. It isn't surprising. They've been messed up. Can you imagine what your life would be like if you'd been a looked after child instead of growing up with your neurotic family?

It is the objective of any decent society to promote the opportunity and life of these children and to help them do better. Part of this is the purview of mental healthcare but the sociol care aspect is also important. It is the bit which isn't working enough to reduce the disability when comes with the label of being a looked after child.

I'm applying the paradigm of mental illness to something which isn't a biomedical illness. However the paradigm of label and worse life outcourse applies. If I were a psychiatrist I would drug the shit out of those kids.

I'm not though. This is why I seek social model solutions to the disability, the worst life when it doesn't have to be this way, because I don't see mental illness as an illness. I see it as a product of a fucked up society.

Being a looked after child may mean worse opportunities in later life but it doesn't have to be this way. The children would need a lot of support early on in childhood while they're looked after by the state to ensure they do better in later life.

My life is one example. I am privileged with rich parents who value education more than anything else. They threw me out and I was briefly looked after by the state when I did my GCSE exams. Then I went to a posh boarding school after returning home.

It was an integrated mental health and social care treatment. They didn't call it that though. They called it school. A boarding school isn't about what you learn in the classroom though. Students from all around the world are thrown together and live together. The school I went to took on a lot of fucked kids like me. Most were from privileged backgrounds but not all of them.

I learned so much from my housemates. I also got an education in other ways. This helped my life course a lot.

Am I asking for looked after children to get an integrated mental health and social care programme which also integrates them into society? Fuck yeah.

Boarding school is a cost effective way to do it.

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How can I ever forget?

We will not let them die. We will not allow subjugation and suppression. We will not discrimination and prejudice.

We wil not. Every time we do we fail. I may be an idealist in this respect but I know the standard.

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What if psychiatry changed to focus on social care?

Hmm...better still...what if I said wouldn't it be great if psychiatry focused on doing their job?

The numpties have been subjugating the mentally ill and enforcing social control using the paradigm of medical illness for generations. Hitlers secret police or Stalins nkvd would be proud of modern psychiatry.

Psychiatrist are meant to keep people alive. That's their primary fucking job. They fail abysmally. Then they fuck up the next thing. Quality of life. And life course.

These are the two bits of the paradigm which I have a lesser level of disdain for. Keep people alive and make sure our shitty modern world doesn't disadvantage those who are different.

This is mental health.

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Looked after child is label which predicts a worse life outcome with a high degree of...

...truth better than psychiatry or astrology achieves.

This is a guess of course. It is a guess based on life course.

A child who ends up in care is invariably a person who experiences trauma in one form or other. In the main I suspect the trauma creates the unwanted externalisations which lead a person into care. There's also the unwanted behaviours and the society which disadvantages those who display them.

Then they end up in the system. Those who have recognised mental health problems get fucked by psychiatry. Those that don't have recognised by psychiatry get fucked lives anyway.

All that stuff together defines a terrible social outcomes prognosis. I dare to think what the suicide rate is for children who were ever looked after by the state.

If there is a future to humanity, a future I want to see, it is where there are no looked after children. The technical and legal definition is children who are looked after by the state if I remember right.

The traumas these children face can be solved by resolving parental mental health. I don't want a return to the days of pointing blame at schizophregenic mothers. I want the adults to be okay so they don't beat and emotionally abuse their children to vent at the shit of the world.

If we build a future for our children then we build a now for ourselves. Without adult mental health there will still be children who are looked after by the state rather than their family or the community or whatever social structures will exist when humanity actually starts to achieve.

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What future NHS system prevents unnecessary deaths in mental healthcare

Yeah..basically...unnecessary deaths in mental healthcare. Ban the fucking treatment which kills people in the name of repression of emotion and behaviour. Then suck on my chocolate salty balls. Then change society.

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Should knowledge and the pursuit of truth..

..be tainted by misinformation? Perhaps it was hanlons razor in effect.

The wikipedia on japanese suicides has misinformation if I remember right.

For fucks sake.

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We can not talk about suicide or promote it

People think this is a taboo. Killing isn't in the same way. Killing other people I mean. It is illegal except in mental health. Funnily suicide isn't but 1 in 6 people think about it at some point in their life. It is funny what I find funny.

Go figure eh? Violent films, gory computer games, and all the rest. And yet the completed suicide rate is 6 times the homicide rate in the UK.

For fucks sake.

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Blue sky thinking and madness

A quality of madness which is positive is the quality to dream, to think
creatively and think big. This is pathologised by things like mania,
schizophrenia, flight of ideas, grandiose thoughts and other labels of
suppression.

It is also usually suppressed in lower levels of the hierachial
organisation designs which are common place in developing world nations,
especially in typical Industrial Revolution organisations. Some
industries which reflect the new wave, for example new media, allow more
freedom for creativity and the creative industries are often have a lot
of mentally ill people. And for good reason. It seems their disorder has
a place in these industries.

In the top tiers of organisations which are typical of Industrial
Revolution structures the creativity and qualities of madness are
usually conditioned out and removed by the select process which come
before a person reaches these top tiers. This means the people who are
meant to be doing the blue sky thinking can't do it. They've lost so
much of that valuable quality which is madness.

Of course it doesn't take simply being mad. It requires knowledge of the
industry. The problem is this also the path tot he loss of this
necessary human quality for many people. They have to go through the
midldle strata in the organisational hierachy and this is the process
which - for far too many top level people - is part of the extended
conditioning which leaves them bereft of the madness they so desperately
need to do their blue sky thinking well.

The is a part of me that recognises i'm befriended out of sympathy

This is not something anyone would want...would they?

I'm boring, cantankerous, difficult, drunk, intense, time consuming and
draining. I think there are other engative facets to me. I'm selfish and
can be a bad friend.

I'm a lonely weirdo who gets by by pretending not to be.

Suicide and censorship (for fucks sake)

I grow weary of some of the tactics of suicide prevention. They're
shitty methods.

One of them is censorship and misinformation. Facebook has instigated a
policy where people who are Facebook friends of someone who is suicidal
are told to report it and then Facebook will connect the suicidal person
with an online counsellor. They're teaching people to not open up about
suicidal thoughts and they're teaching the friends of suicidal people to
report expression of suicide to the authorities rather than fucking talk
to the individual. For fucks sake.

The charcoal burning method popular in Hong Kong disappeared from the
internet. The components of the Darvon Cocktail are made ever harder to
acquire. The information about the Darvon Cocktail's ingredients has
been removed from the current Wiki page and left with a simple description.

There is information on another page which reports suicides in Japan or
somewhere else in East Asia where people killed themselves by making a
poisonous gas out of household chemicals. The Wikipedia page reports
what I assume the local media reported which was the gas was hydrogen
sulphide. If I remember my chemistry lessons right I think this gas is
poisonous but it also smells strongly. It is available to the public as
fart bombs. This could never be a suicide method used in small
apartments - which is what the story was reporting on - because the
smell of shit would alert the neighbours. They would be knocking on the
door before the gas could reach fatal levels.

Some people might agree that this sort of tactic is necessary to save
lives. Morals and ethics can be set aside because of the compassionate
goal of saving another person's life.

For fucks sake. The tactic of removing suicide information and providing
false hope through censorship and misinformation is the sort of shit
which leads people to take their life. It is shit done by people who
don't understand and it doesn't help the core of the problem.

People want to die. Some do. 1 in 6 in the UK in their lifetime. The
current hegemony are suppressing this using the standard tactics of
suppression and they're allowed to do it because the cunts think they're
compassionate. They pick weak, easy and immoral solutions so they don't
ever have to think of real solutions.

What to do I mean by real solutions? We have to be honest about cause.

Sri Lanka had one of the highest suicide rates in the world. The UN or
WHO decided to do something about it. Their solution was to ban certain
pesticides and ensure poison antidotes were available at local
hospitals. This worked to save lives but didn't stop people trying to
kill themselves. It never addressed the cause. People were killing
themselves because of one of the bloodiest and bitterst civil wars in
modern history.

Rather than find a real solution to stop people trying to kill
themselves the powers that be just made it harder to be successful. For
fucks sake.

It's already established that recessions are associated with an increase
in the suicide rate. The government released £5 million extra funding
for psychological therapies. It's a fucking piss ant sum but it doesn't
matter. They allowed the recession to happen. They would make
co=proxamal hard to prescribe (it may be banned now - it's one of the
ingredients of the Darvon cocktail) and barbiutes are just as hard to
get. They would not seek to address the cause though.

Now Facebook, the world's largest social network, is turning the friends
of people who are suicidal into suicide policeman. I don't post to the
wider public who know me that I want to kill myself or very rarely. It
is here I externalise my shit. Few read this and few know it's my blog
so I need not worry. I think the last thing I'd want is a friend to tell
mental health services and for them to send someone in. This is the sort
of attitude to suicide that makes me glad I'll die one day.

The censorship relates to a part of the problem. People can't and don't
know how to talk about. The taboo reinforced by the censorship and
misinformation spread by the mental health fraternity/sorority also
makes it harder to talk about it. 1 in 6 in their lifetime but it is
still a taboo. When a person is suicidal they may want to talk to a
mental health professional rather than someone close to them, for
obvious reasons. Some may also prefer to talk to a friend or if they
post up about it on Facebook to have a friend talk to them rathe than
report them to the authorities on Facebook.

The problem is most people who want to talk to a friend about suicide
can't, not unless their friend is known to have tried it or they're
familiar with it because they know about mental health. The system wants
people to talk about it but to not talk about it with anyone else but
mental health professionals. For fucks sake. Like they're any use.

The suicide prevention is dominated by people who don't seem to
understand. Many of them have never even tried to take their own life.
For fucks sake. This is why the solutions are so shit and lack real
compassion or respect for the suicidal. This is why they don't address
what the real problem is: developed world society is fucked up.

For fucks sake. It is that obvious but no one wants to accept it because
they fear the need to create real solutions.

For fucks sake.

Surprise

I'#m currently reading this.
http://www.youthmusic.org.uk/musicispower/Research/Research-documents/Looked-After-Children.html

Music-making for Looked After Children.

On a scale of bad childhood experiences been a Looked After Child, a
person who is looked after by the state as their parent, is fucking
shit. If you think living in a children's home or, for the lucky ones, a
foster home is bad then understand that the events which brought those
children to be looked after by the state are horrors the likes of which
should not happen to anyone. For example, a baby who is struck by their
father so hard they are flung across the room.

Being a Looked After Child is also a predictor of a worse life course.
Few go to posh boarding schools after they leave a foster home, spend a
year working as a programmer then go off to a top 5 UK university. I was
very lucky. i don't know what happen to the other children I sepnt time
with when I was in a children's home for about a month or two around the
time I did my GCSEs.

Anything which would help the other LAC do better and have a chance at
the opportunities I've had in life is a step forward for society and
humanity.

Thinking about it another way, I have met a lot of people in my lifetime
who would have never have met a psychiatric patient or Looked After
Child in their life. Many of the people I've met don't know that I have
been a psychiatric patient, in a children's home and a foster home for
short periods. It usually surprises them when they find out.

--
---
Please can I ask for a few second of your time to click this link and like my suggestion.
http://tinyurl.com/equalitydata

I need the data about health outcomes sorted by race, gender, age and other characteristics so I can see if disadvantaged groups are being further disdavantaged by London GPs.

Differential diagnosis and different diagnoses

It's well known but not well enough established just how variable
psychiatric diagnosis can be in clinical practice.

The research uses much stricter principles. They may test for
inter-rater reliability, i.e. they check to make sure the physicans are
all diagnosis roughly the same way. This is how the science works. If
they can reliably make a diagnosis which is the same as the quality of
the diagnosis in research then there's a reasonable expectation the
patient will follow the negative prognsosis. This reasonable chance is
the validity of psychiatric diagnosis. Or the other way round. Can't
remember. Bentall explains it better.

In practice I think psychiatrists don't diagnose the same way. I think
many of them don't use the strict criteria and often use methods they've
developed or learned to make a diagnosis.

Sometimes they'll refer to the differential diagnosis information in
psychiatric textbooks. This is the information which is used to strictly
define differences between different disorders. This is necessary
because, for example, schizophrenics and manic depressives can exhibit
the same set of symptoms at different times or concurrently. These two
types are in practice often difficult to separate because some people
display symptoms which someone might expect the other type to display.
Their type isn't schizoaffective. This is a different thing because of
the way it is diagnosed,. It isn't inbetween schizophrenia and bipolar
except in the outcomes. The diagnosis doesn't type the person as
inbetween schizophrenia and bipolar. In fact clinical physicians are so
poor at diagnosing this disorder that the APA want to remove it in DSM-V
even though studies show it exists as a different outcome to bipolar and
schizophrenia patients.

This problem of reliability of diagnosis in clinical practice is
important because it means patients could get the wrong medication or
treatment package. They may also have to face stigma when they don't
have to. There's also the unexplored effect of expectations and
labelling. Frankly this is beyond my capability to explain but
essentially a label can cause better or worse performance. The Rosenthal
experiment showed children who teachers are told are "late bloomers"
(they have had average performance but are expected to excel in the
coming year) at random perform better on teacher assessments and
standardised IQ tests. It has not been tested whether the opposite is
true, e..g. iif a label of schizophrenia causes worse outcomes, because
it may be an impossible experiment and it would be highly unethical.

Patients want to know the right label and they want the right treatment.
If doctors can't get it right and if the research community can't design
diagnostic systems which actually work in clinical practice then what
patients get is chaos and the placebo effect as the most effective
treatment in modern mental healthcare.

Dementia, advance directives and assisted suicide

We can not kill the elderly for their behaviour is quite a simple
message. It is short, simple and a lot closer to the absolute truth than
most of the shit I come up with.

Is this clarity or insanity? We live in an insane world where a report
comes out showing 1,800 unnecessary deaths every year and the profession
responsible for the deaths is not held accountable. No one is. The
government target is a reduction to the third the number of unnecessary
deaths. They're failing to meet the targets from what I hear.

The treatment does not deal the brain disease and there is evidence show
it causes bran matter lose as well as reduced life expectancy. The
treatment is not a medical treatment. It is the use of a chemical to
fulfil a social and cultural need to make the elderly docile and easy to
manage.

A simple way to side step the moral and ethical concerns would be
institute advance directives where the patients could chose whether they
wanted to be chemically coshed or not if their condition deteriorated.

I just wonder how different this solution would be from assisted
suicide. The treatment has been shown to reduce life expectancy and
cause brain damage. It will reduce a person's life expectancy but it
doesn't treat the brain disease. A person who understands this and
agrees to the use of the drug would be asking for their life to be shorten.

It's not quite assisted suicide. The advance decision idea is a slow
assisted death.

--
---
Please can I ask for a few second of your time to click this link and like my suggestion.
http://tinyurl.com/equalitydata

I need the data about health outcomes sorted by race, gender, age and other characteristics so I can see if disadvantaged groups are being further disdavantaged by London GPs.

Dealing with being suicidal

Suicide is complicated and misunderstood. I want to die and I have made
many attempts. If I died tomorrow it would be a good day. If I died
yesterday it would be even better.

What I'm writing about here is what is a solution for those who have to
live with wanting to die - in whatever form - as a long term burden
which life imposes upon us. This advice doesn't apply to quick,
impulsive suicide attempts. This is what I think is a shit solution to
living day after day wanting to die.

Keep busy. Stay distracted. Don't give in to the thoughts and the
wishes. Don't languish energy or thought on the thoughts of death and
release which come again and again. Do anything else to occupy yourself
and your mind.

This is a shit solution. Last year it crystalised through something
which Edwin Schniedman wrote about suicide. Something from Moby Dick.
"When it is a cold drizzly November day in my soul I know it is time to
go to sea. It is my substitute for the pistol and ball."

My solution was to join a cult, a cult of my own making. I spend my last
days working for the greater good. The cul has one message: make qa
difference.

It has been over a year now. I still feel like shit. I still want to die.

For me, suicide and the deathwish are not going to go away. I can escape
from it as long as I fill my mind with something. My choice was work and
it hasn't worked for me. For other people it might be doing crossword
puzzles to occupy their mind or whatever else can consume a person more
than the desire to die.

I know this isn't easy. Trust me. Dragging myself to do the things which
stop the boredom can be a mountain in itself. If i don't though there's
just the abyss to occupy my mind space.

Never in the face of human conflicit have I ever had to say..

...ask them. The conflicted.

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Muff

So let me ask a question.

Do you believe in capital punishment? Do you believe in the coercive treatment of the mentally ill?

No. I don't. Do you?

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The history of oppression and the history of mental health

Sorry. Its a clear tautology in the title. A waste of words.

You call me many things when you call me crazy. Worst of all, you say change me. You demand it. This is what treatment means.

I am mad proud but my madness is for you to accept. The history of normals and mental health is the history of oppression of the mentally ill.

Don't normalise what you can't understand, you cunt...accept it.

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Fuck fuck fuck

Day after fucking day. Year after year. Decades and centuries.

Fuck. They use the paradigm of mental health and illness to do what the fuck they want. Distress. Disorder. Well fucking being. Fuck.

Fuck this. I'm a fucking engineer. That's all. Mental health is a fucking joke. There is no scientifc truth.

People treat it as though there is but there isn't. Too many have suffered because of this and too many have died.

You can do anything to the mentally ill. You can lock them up and forcibly treat them with treatments that kill.

Fuck!!!!

Use the word illness and health and people forget.

Behavioural and emotional disorders treated by behavioural and emotional regulation. Be normal or psychiatry will get you.

Fuck.

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Dementia and my life

My grandfather was an influential person in my early childhood. It was a troubled childhood and I used to disappear into books. He used to be a headmaster back in Sri Lanka. A pillar of our community in Jaffna where I was born.

When he got old he got cranky. He was a tough nut anyway. As he came closer to death he became more cantakerous though this may also have been a natural reaction to the tearaway grandson.

He died after a heart attack which I caused. I think I've lived with this guilt a long time. We had an argument and it was our last one. I can raise people's blood pressure at the best of the time.

The thing is, I never saw my grand dad as mentally ill or crazy. He was just my grand dad. As his condition got worse he became harsher and harsher. But he was still my grand dad. I was a naive child uneducated in the construct of mental illness and than fuck for that. I think being cranky and cantakerous is normal.

I would never have drugged his behaviour away. He was my grand dad. For all the disrespect I showed this simple truth I never forgot. He's my grand dad. Cranky, old and crazy. He's my grand dad.

We can not kill old people because they're crazy. 1,800 unnecessary deaths every year already. We have no moral conscience if we do.

The UK has a ban on capital punishment. We will not kill the worst criminals but we will kill the elderly because they were cranky. People like my grand dad.

Perhaps this is the value of being brought up in a three tier immigrant household. I learned something.

We do not kill the elderly because they're crazy.

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Notes on suicide

This is not an easy thing and there is no easy solution nor path to the solution. The field of suicidology is a new one pioneered in the last century.

There are so many dimensions to it. I have to admit the complexity and mystery is something which interests me. Suicide is so misunderstood.

I believe assisted suicde should be legalised. This is because I have lived with the desire to die for a long time.

It has not always been this way and there are times I've regretted suicide attempts. Now I regret them as failures.

There are so many different reasons and pathways which lead a person to kill themselves. There may be patterns and commonalities but each person's journey is unique and must be treated this way.

It may surprise people that I believe in suicide prevention. I have strong beliefs about suicide prevention. The key is to stop people thinking about suicide as a solution. This is not to be done by censorship nor other unethical means. It is to stop the processes which lead some people to want to die.

This is a far greater problem and there is a problem in the solution. Experiencing suicidal thoughts may also be an important life process, sort of in a very rarified "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" sort of way.

What I mean is I also value suicidality. Yes...it is the precursor to suicide for most people (some people kill themselves while experiencing a delusional state of reality). It can also bring clarity and life change.

If I could put it simply. You do not know what life is till you want to die. You do not know what life is till you survive coming close to losing it.

Some people never need to ask why they live or why they should continue to live however these can be life changing questions. Buckerminster Fuller, inventor of the idea of the eponymous substance, made a suicide attempt but turned away. It was instrumental to his life development. Before he walked into the lake he thought he should perhaps change the world and his talent was chemistry.

I too have experienced the value of suicidality for focusng my lifetime. I don't want my life saved by I'll happily die trying to save others. I see no duality or hypocracy in this statement.

I don't believe anyone should get to this point where I am but I think many people in history have felt how I've felt and made change or found focus in their life because they want to die. It may be painful for others but the pain is nothing like the life process which brings an individual to want to die so much.

You could think of the suicidal as canaries in the mine. The gas in the mine is the illness in life and society and systems which bring people to want to die. The 6000 a year are the warning that there is something really wrong with society and behavioural conditioning in its various forms.

Suicide prevention like everything else needs social model thinking. Reduce the suffering in modern life and you will reduce the suicide rate and suicidal ideation rate too.

We build a society and emotional culture for all people and when we fuck up people kill themselves. Unfortunately the psychiatrist builders botched it up so 1 in 6 of us will seriously think of killing ourselves at some point.

We need sociologists to provide the solutions to the future of suicide prevention because what's happening now isn't working and the methods are immoral.

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Mania treated by depression

Well...poor appettite anyway.

I had 2 months of high productivity. In the time the stuff I wrote may have been ambitious. I don't think this is a fair judgement but I accept I may at times lack insight about a lot of things. I am a bit arrogant and energetic at the moment. I'm making quick decisions on certain things.

I'm anxious about it because it is hard to assess whether this is normal or slightly manic.

However I'm also starving and drinking and smoking cannabis. The drinking and smoking help the eating but they're not working well right now. It may be a defence mechanism kicking in, I.e. I'm slowed down by the lack of nutrition. I manage to eat 2 or 3 good meals a week right now. Maybe 4 is total. This isn't enough and I'm very tired. I can feel my brain and performance are getting a little erratic so I'm trying to do less.

The bulk of my energy comes from sugary tea and alcohol. I've not planned anything this weekend apart from eating as my priority for Saturday.

Self managing is hard. My stomach is in a knot while I'm drinking wine out here in trent country park. I know it will get better. It just takes a little time. It usually does.

I think I'm still on the safe side of functional. There is enough nutrition to keep my going and perhaps it is arresting my brain from shifting too easily into a manic phase.

Those are catastrophic when they are uncontrolled. It is a maelstrom that has destroyed my life before. My anxiety is with evidence so I have to keep managing with caution.

I barely had enough energy to make it here but I've bought some food as well and hopefully I will eat it when I get back home in a few hours.

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Healthcare inequality and race inequality

This is a guess but I guess that ethnic minorities get worse healthcare
on average. My guess is based on stuff like ethnic minorities are often
poorer and live in poor areas, more so than their white counterparts.

How could this be found out? What I mean is how could it be determined
if this was true for London?

I've answered the question before asking it. London QOF data is
available to the public. I don't think it'll have mental health data
because I'm not sure if there are established mental health QOFs.
There's also data from the Census which gives ethnographic breakdowns by
area. The areas covered by the QOF data may be different from the Census
areas but I think it may still be possible to line them up. The problem
is the Census data is much more granular so offers better detail. QOF
data may not be made available with suitable levels of detail but the
information exists. The raw data should have some sort of proxy for
location which has a higher resolution than the top level QOF
geographical areas.

Fuck it. I'll just get the government to get the data.

Please kill me

Assisted suicide is illegal but suicide isn't.

It isn't illegal to want to die but it's illegal to help those who want
to die get what they want.

It's the last fucking thing a suicidal person needs but then there's so
much shit that has gone on before.

Please kill me.

Was Jesus a schizophrenic?

He heard voices. He felt the presence of god. He was kind, compassionate
and altruistic. He was disadvantaged, persecuted and tortured by a
heartless system. He never went back to work as a carpenter so I assume
he was unemployed too. He was from a region of North Africa and there's
a good chance he was black skinned so there's a good chance a British
psychiatrist would diagnose schizophrenia - they overdiagnose it by 9 times.

Let's see what the psychiatrists say
"In short, the nature of the hallucinations of Jesus, as they are
described in the orthodox Gospels, permits us to conclude that the
founder of the Christian religion was afflicted with religious paranoia."
Psychiatrist Dr. Charles Binet-Sangle: La Folie de Jesus (The Madness of
Jesus), 1910

"…Jesus Christ might simply have returned to his carpentry following the
use of modern psychiatric treatments."
William Sargant, British psychiatrist, 1974
http://www.psychquotes.com/

It's the middle of the night and all I want to do is cry

In 24hrs my mood can shift fairly quickly. I don't know what is cause
and what is effect. I didn't have that much to drink yesterday. I even
ate the healthiest meal I've had in ages - a subway sandwich. I was in
bed early. Woke up now. Trying to get back to sleep. Just want to cry.
Don't know why. Can't cry either.

My cat's come over while I've been typing this. She'll know what to do.

What would you say with your last breath?

This is a potent question for anyone and for their life journey. It may seem a small moment but if any of us had the chance to appreciate our last words and their signifcance...we might be closer to something better than modern life.

I would say thank you. I would thank those who give me what I want.

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To become motivated to kill oneself

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Suicide and antipsychotics

I can't remember PANSS or BPRß in detail at the moment. I can't remember if the scales directly measure suicidal thoughts. It doesn't matter. The scales are shit anyway.

I was just thinking about drugs which stop sucide. In truth there aren't any humane ones. There aren't any chemicals which truly work to stop a person feeling that they want death. Not without continuing the high or the effect.

Antidepressants work like other narcotics. By getting a person high they can reduce suicidality. Antipsychotics affect people in a different way. They suppress everything. They work to suppress suicide attempts and the drug cloazpine is so successful. The deaths of patients dont matter. Neither does the rct evidence that the drug doesn't stop completed suicides in the us. However, in finland the drug does do amazing things to increase life expectancy while killing the patient. The latter statistic confused all cause mortality with pure mortality. I would guess the extra deaths caused by clozapine outweigh the deaths from suicide which it prevents.

But then it ain't rocket science. The best chemical cosh - the best shackles - prevent suicide. Wouldn't shackling the suicidal also prevent completed suicide? Shackles suppress so much but they also treat suicide because...well...the person can't gather the energy to kill themselves.

The morons who read stuff which says antidepressants cause suicide and sit there going...oh...that's surprising...are morons. They have no lived experience. That's the definition of being a moron in mental health...okay...technically a learning disability...but who cares about my fucking use of language. This is mental health.

Antidepressants don't really actively cause suicide. They give people the energy to get what they want. Antipsychotics, on the other hand, suppress people. This stops suicide like a straitjacket, and is as equally moral.

Whatever answer mental health offers is all about drugs. Psychotherapists wouldn't have a fucking clue how to help those who are suicidal. Useless cunts. Sociologists are right but they're useless.

The volunteers at the samaritans are the last best hope. That is, unless, you're one of those who wants to die.

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Oh yeah as I walk into the valley of the shadow of death I shall fear no evil

I wish I could remember the rest of that.

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The legalisation of assisted suicide

I can't believe no one is campaigning for this. But then such is the problem of the false morality in mental health.

Time and again the mental health movement is just a way to enforce a temporary social doctorine or dogma as though it were an objective truth.

The only progress is the Mental Capacity Act. There is still no true acceptance that people want to die but there is a partial acceptance. A person can refuse life-saving treatment.

When will progress happen enough such that someone would be kind enough to place a gun to my head and put a bullet through my temples? Do we not have this morality yet?

The fact is we do. Doctors end patients suffering all the time. The profession don't talk about it much and the public don't know. There are some doctors who risk their careers out of compassion. There are some which care for human life so much they understand enough that they would kill a patient who wanted it.

Those who understand their patients rather than sit in judgement are the real doctors. They understand some people have the mental capacity to wish and want their death.

The best thing in my life will be the end.

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Mens rea, death and bankers

The city traders and the recession will kill more people in the UK than guns kill. The recession triggers unemployment and this is why recessions are associated with an increased suicide rate. Some bankers also feel guilty and take their own lives though often it is for the same reason other people kill themselves rather than the guilt of their responsibility for the recession suicides.

There is also significant evidence which suggests poverty contributes to mental and physical ill health as well as reduced life expectancy. So many potential years of extra life are lost because of economic recessions.

The city traders continue to prosper regardless of the deaths and reduced life expectancy of others. I hope there are many people who think this doesn't have to be like this.

The investment banks and hedge funds and other risk taking financial institutions find the best people and pay them insane amounts of money. How much? Well my cousin got herself a degree in medicine from Oxford and when she left Arthur Anderson - a now dead accountancy firm - offered her £70,000 to come work with them instead of become a junior doctor. She chose to be a doctor.

The people who make the decisions and take the risks can make or lose millions and billions ina day. The best make more on the days the win than the lose on bad days. A lot more. This is why they get so much money. The investment banks want the best risk takers, those who succeed on the risk versus reward equation.

This is all measured by money though. The bankers don't know they end up killing people when they fuck up. They don't see the gambles which make and lose them money also affect the lives of individuals.

The risks they take and are well paid for also result in the misery and early death of many people when they go wrong. Global recessions have a greater price than lost productivity. It harms a lot of people too.

This shouldn't be allowed. No society with any moral conscience could allow this pattern of events to be repeated again and again.

In legal terms the concept of mens rea seems relevant. The city professionals should have known. They're so smart and stuff. They can understand that unemployment and poverty harm people, and their mistakes are the cause. This means the lives of the worst off just get worse.

Mens rea means they could be responsible for murder. They should know about cause and effect. There's enough evidence. They may disregard it as many people and organisations do but their mistakes abd ignorance lead to other people dying. These deaths are preventable.

That's sort of the crux of my point in a way. These deaths are preventable. How is the question?

The Chartered Financial Analyst exams are an important tool with which people who work in the banking industry are gaining the...the stuff which comes with being part of a profession. The exams are very hard and experience is required too to get the top level qualifications but these are a gateway to a high salary in the investment banking industry.

They also have ethics modules. Here is one opportunity to inform and create a prevention system. Bankers need to know when they fuck up they kill people. Their professional code of conduct doesn't need to say they shouldn't do this. The law should be enough to stop them killing people. Using the education and requirements for chartered status forces them to learn that they're killing people.

It also creates the opportunity to put them in jail when they fuck up. Murder isn't just killing someone. The law in the UK has a broad view of responsiblity. It's time the biggest murders are locked up.

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One step closer

I have a doctor's appointment to sort out my advance directive. If they're going to be cunts about it again...but I am powerless.

The year and something for me to look forward to. The accepted advance decision is one step closer to my death.

Today is a good day.

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The problem with the dual continua model in policy and practioce

The dual continua model of mental health was really officially
recognised in the UK government's New Horizons mental health strategy.
Mind were instrumental in making this happen.

It is usually the psychpathology continuum which dominates national
policy. It's only in recent decades the distress continuum and model has
got recognition.

This is a small victory but there is a long way to go. The biggest
problem is the dearth of research on distress and solutions to distress.

All the science of depression is about psychopathology. Subjective
unwellness is usually why people do to the doctor if they recognise
depression or misery. doctors only know how to treat a clinical
syndrome. Their method is the operational diagnosis using the cluster of
symptoms approach. 5 out of 9 symptoms. This method doesn't primary look
for emotional distress or subjective unwellness. It is designed to be an
objective tool used by a clinician to judge whether the person has a
biomedical syndrome which presents with a pattern of symptoms.

None of the research into treatments - certainly none of the stuff which
gets used at national level - is about treatments which work on the
premise of the emotional distress model of mental health. The
psychopathological definition and concept of depression is not the same
as the medicalisation of human misery.

Conceptually the emotional distress model is closer aligned with the
distress model rather than the psychopathological model. i think the
public and some mental health professionals do perceived clinical
depression as the medicalisation of misery.

They'd be wrong. human misery is far more complex. As yet there is
little sciecen which understands it and art or music, perhaps,
understand it more.

Ego management, mania and hearing voices

I am struggling with a change in my experience of consciousness. Summer
was dominated by distress and misery. My internal consciousness was a
maelstrom.

Now things have shifted. My mood in certain respects is much better
though I'm still a little withdrawn. This is a good thing. What I'm
struggling with is a shift in the voice in my head. Or the thoughts
perhaps. The thoughts which can affect my ego.

These thoughts which I assumed are experienced by everyone in some form
or another can change. They can be very negative about me. I'm used to
dealing with that.

Now they're very positive and I find this hard to deal with. The
potential for these current thoughts to boost my ego and esteem is high.
Avoidance of the nightmare high of mania has been a struggle for me for
the last years. This pattern of thoughts is what sent me wild and got
me hospitalised for the first time. The third time I was hospitalised
was also related to listening to these thoughts which boost my ego.

"Genius." "Hero." "Brilliant." "Amazing."

These very positive thoughts have increased in volume and frequency. My
tool is self mamangement is low self esteem and a constant questioning
of the truth or reality of the statement. I am none of those.

It is very different to how I cope with the negative stuff when it is
dominant. I accept it and move on. I have learned to get through that
using a different technique. I am shit and useless and pathetic and a
loser. Okay. So what? Let's move on. That sort of thinking. I've learned
how not to dwell too much on the negative voices or thoughts.

For some this coping mechanism may sound like a living hell. I'm used to it.

Social model solutions to mental health

It's not rocket science to understand the psychosocial model (strictly
the spirtuobiopsychosocial model but that makes me sound crazy). The
psychiatrists and psychologists have dominated treatment. The social
model rarely gets applied to treatment.

Now before I sound too crazy let me explain poorly. The biospychosocial
model also asks for changing society as well as affecting individual
neurobiology and psychology. The psychiatric and psychological paradigms
work int he same way the medical field usually works: changing the
individual to heal or normalise them. The social paradigm requires the
change of society and culture as a priority of healthcare.

Now that's crazy and that's why NICE didn't include my comments about it
in this year's Equality Forum report. How the hell do doctors and
healthcare professionals change society to better outcomes and reduce
disability?

I use two examples to illustrate the potential of this way of thinking.
Time to Change is the first. It is the world's largest (per capita)
anti-mental health stigma and discrimination campaign in the world. It
was started by a coalition of organisations and initially funded with
National Lottery and Comic Relief money. Now it is largely funded by the
Deparment of Health. They're not tasked nor measured on changing
disability and social outcomes but they may inadvertently be doing it. A
large part of the disability and distress is caused by stigma and
discrmination. Making mental illness more acceptable and helping people
to work and live normal lives in accepting communities is beginning to
be achieved by the Time to Change campaign.

The other example of the progress is mobility disability over the last
century or two. Wheelchairs replaced crutches and now there's a
wheelchair which can go up stairs. This is conventional treatment.
Legislation means that large public buildings and workplaces also need
to be wheelchair accessible. This was a demand placed on society to
provide equality of access. It costs organisations a lot of money to
adhere to this duty but it means we live in a more equal society and the
exclusion faced by people with mobility disabilities is reduced.

The problem is coming up with more of these. Perhaps the change in
dementia treatment away from killing the patients because of their
challenging behaviour to asking carers and care home workers to
understand this behaviour is normal could be a direction of social
change in mental health. The same may be true for other conditions where
behaviour is considered aberrant, for example autism. Psychiatric or
psychological model perspective would seek to change the individual. The
social model treatment seeks to treat the other factors which affect the
individual and are also part of the pathology described by the
psychosocial model.

There can be other forms of social treatment too. There are social
treatments which change the systems in society which create disadvantage
and disability. Let's take mania and debt. It is very easy for a person
experiencing hypermania to get a loan. The ease and availablity of
credit without a basic check of the individual's state of mind at the
time is high and this is good because it is a personal freedom. However
people can make poor financial descisions when in states like mania or
when suicidal. This is from my personal experience.

My personal experience is also what happens after the risky decisions.
There are the consequences of financial risks and loans. bipolar is
characterised by periods of extreme mania which can involve reckless
spending then lows which make it hard for a person to work. When they do
work their income goes on paying of their debts which leaves them in
poverty. This all contributes to the misery of mental illness. The
impact of bad, problem and crisis debt is a person's credit record is
ruined so when they're well or in a depressed stage they face financial
exclusion as well as poverty.

Linking up the credit system with the mental health system could help as
long as freedom of information, confidentiality and financial rights
were preserved. My example would be my first hospitalisation. I took
out a £10,000 load I didn't need, had crazy business ideas, lost a well
paid corporate job and ended up under section. I didn't need the loan
and I was mentally ill when I was fired from my job. If the systems
linked up the loan could have been cancelled (i.e. repaid back
immediately because I was in a psychiatric ward shortly after taking the
loan out). It would be a simple way to reduce the disadvantage in life
created by debts racked up during a period of mental illness. If
psychiatric services were thinking more about preserving a patient's
life outcomes they could have spoken with my employer so I could
continue my job when I got better. None of that happened.

Social model thinking is vital to really bettering life outcomes and
what is core to the disability component. It is still very new though
and there is still a dearth of ideas.

I feel like I'm on antipsychotics

I don't think I am but I don't know. We live in a crazy world. So many crazy and paranoid thoughts. I see to be trusting reality. It may not be true.

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There are realities infinite

One problem with my state of consciousness is the problem with dealing with a wide range of possibilities which my mind can crreate. These interplay with my ego which affects my behaviour. Mood or choice can affect how I interpret things and what I interpret to be more likely.

I have little way to know for sure what is real. This is a mad world we live in. I can generate ideas quickly. I can thinking about a number of options. I have a wide range of knowledge of stuff with some areas where I know a bit more than the average person.

It can be hard for me to work with the consensus reality. I find I don't really know what it is. There are too many variables. It is why I suck at relationships too. I think it is why I need openness and honesty but this is hard for people.

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Why schizophrenics might smoke?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nicotine#Research_as_a_potential_basis_for_an_antipsychotic_agent

I disagree....or I think the article is missing something else. Nicotine
also releases norepinephrine as well. This neurotransmitter is released
by SNRI antidepressants like sodium venlaflaxine. It is a feel good
neurotransmitter which may help with the negative symptoms of
schizophrenia because schizophrenics learn to self medicate for the
unhappiness. Some doctors and researchers might see this as an
atipsychotic effect...i.e. it is antischizophrenic given the currentky
understanding of schizophrenia - but not in a chemiacal cosh way.
Smokers smoke themselves a little bit happier and that's why they're
less disordered.

Of course this is a guess by me. I really need to learn a lot more about
the neuroscience stuff.

Heres a paper which goes on about the release of nerepinephrine
http://jpet.aspetjournals.org/content/320/2/837.full.pdf

Here's a bit on neopinephrine
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norepinephrine

Habit suicidal thoughts

As I go home tonight I still recognise my pattern. Every twist and turn of the bus brings hope. The hope is the crossroads which has the perfect exit.

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The hung head

Smartphones have made computers truly ubiquitous. I don't think many users truly see their phones as computers but the modern multipurpose smartphone is exactly that.

I'm on the tube at the moment and people like me and peering down at a little handheld device. Their not talking to people. They're browsing the internet, listening to music or writing an email.

As humans we're still forced to adapt to the device. I wasn't meant to write and see and communicate this way. Instead my thumbs type the words on a small keyboard. I read the words on a small screen with my head hung down.

This is an unnatural position for homo sapiens. I've had to adapt to the technology because of the benefits it offers me. The portable computer has not yet evolved to be a natural device.

By natural I mean exactly that. It should worrk like how I would deal with the function of what I'm doing without the device.

This is hard to understand without knowing about the next evolution in computer interfaces.  Tangible mixed reality is only seen inscience fiction films or in pioneering work in the technology industry. The public are becoming familiar with augmented reality but tangible mixed reality is the great leap

Electronic and real world collide into a seamless experience of reality made possible by overlay interface devices. This technology in full development will be mind blowing but it might take a century to get their.

It will happen though. Such is the progress of technology and time.

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