was dominated by distress and misery. My internal consciousness was a
maelstrom.
Now things have shifted. My mood in certain respects is much better
though I'm still a little withdrawn. This is a good thing. What I'm
struggling with is a shift in the voice in my head. Or the thoughts
perhaps. The thoughts which can affect my ego.
These thoughts which I assumed are experienced by everyone in some form
or another can change. They can be very negative about me. I'm used to
dealing with that.
Now they're very positive and I find this hard to deal with. The
potential for these current thoughts to boost my ego and esteem is high.
Avoidance of the nightmare high of mania has been a struggle for me for
the last years. This pattern of thoughts is what sent me wild and got
me hospitalised for the first time. The third time I was hospitalised
was also related to listening to these thoughts which boost my ego.
"Genius." "Hero." "Brilliant." "Amazing."
These very positive thoughts have increased in volume and frequency. My
tool is self mamangement is low self esteem and a constant questioning
of the truth or reality of the statement. I am none of those.
It is very different to how I cope with the negative stuff when it is
dominant. I accept it and move on. I have learned to get through that
using a different technique. I am shit and useless and pathetic and a
loser. Okay. So what? Let's move on. That sort of thinking. I've learned
how not to dwell too much on the negative voices or thoughts.
For some this coping mechanism may sound like a living hell. I'm used to it.
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