Sunday, 18 December 2011

Dealing with being suicidal

Suicide is complicated and misunderstood. I want to die and I have made
many attempts. If I died tomorrow it would be a good day. If I died
yesterday it would be even better.

What I'm writing about here is what is a solution for those who have to
live with wanting to die - in whatever form - as a long term burden
which life imposes upon us. This advice doesn't apply to quick,
impulsive suicide attempts. This is what I think is a shit solution to
living day after day wanting to die.

Keep busy. Stay distracted. Don't give in to the thoughts and the
wishes. Don't languish energy or thought on the thoughts of death and
release which come again and again. Do anything else to occupy yourself
and your mind.

This is a shit solution. Last year it crystalised through something
which Edwin Schniedman wrote about suicide. Something from Moby Dick.
"When it is a cold drizzly November day in my soul I know it is time to
go to sea. It is my substitute for the pistol and ball."

My solution was to join a cult, a cult of my own making. I spend my last
days working for the greater good. The cul has one message: make qa

It has been over a year now. I still feel like shit. I still want to die.

For me, suicide and the deathwish are not going to go away. I can escape
from it as long as I fill my mind with something. My choice was work and
it hasn't worked for me. For other people it might be doing crossword
puzzles to occupy their mind or whatever else can consume a person more
than the desire to die.

I know this isn't easy. Trust me. Dragging myself to do the things which
stop the boredom can be a mountain in itself. If i don't though there's
just the abyss to occupy my mind space.

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We It comes in part from an appreciation that no one can truly sign their own work. Everything is many influences coming together to the one moment where a work exists. The other is a begrudging acceptance that my work was never my own. There is another consciousness or non-corporeal entity that helps and harms me in everything I do. I am not I because of this force or entity. I am "we"