A bit on suicide and me

It's suicide awareness day or week or whatever so I'm doing a few
posts about suicide.

I will be glad to be dead. It's something I won't enjoy of course unless
there's an afterlife. Ugh. I fucking hope not.

Death and thoughts of being dead have been with me throughout my adult
life. I used to joke in my late teens that I'd be dead by 30 to justify
my dangerous lifestyle choices. I was serious too. It was a bit of a
shame to be still alive after 30.

The thing is if I had a gun right now I'd probably put it to my head but
I wouldn't be able to pull the trigger. I'd have to work myself into the
sort of state where I could. I'd probably spend a lot of time toying
with the gun as I did the last time I was actively suicidal (not with a
gun though...I mean that in the proverbial sense).

I go through phases of being parasuicidal: trying to kill myself and
failing miserably. I know how to do it and do it effectively. That
knowledge hasn't helped me so far.

There are brief periods when I don't want to die a lot. There are even
brief, intermittent periods where I want to live.

I feel like the guy out of Casablance. I know I'm going to die by my own
hand. I know I'm going to kill myself. Maybe not today. Maybe not
tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of my life.

Let me clarify - I'm not thinking of killing myself soon. I'm not
planning anything. My serious attempts haven't been planned anyway.

No one has been able to help me with this so far. Few therapists have
tried to address my suicidality. As long as I'm working I don't think
the NHS really cares anyway.

Suicide changes a person though. I have little fear of death and l know
the value of life more than those who've never come close to losing it.
Those are the positives. I can't have a long term relationship or a
family (my choice). I'm going to hurt a lot of people when I finally
exit. I'll waste the potential of my mind and body when I go. I
rationalised away those problems a long time ago. It's pretty cold to
dismiss the grief others may feel but the rationallisation was that
they'd understand that my pain was finally over. Their grief will be
short lived. My pain is eternal.

Talking about suicide and suicide attempts strained a lot of my personal
relationships. I'm surprised if I have any true friends left after my
crisis periods. I accept those loses as I accept the other losses to my
life that come from severe mental illness.

Suicide has given me a purpose at least, and a sense of purpose that
many people would desire. The sense of purpose is what gets me through
everything and a self-stigmatic approach to my own pain.