I could to make sure it didn't happen without stopping them doing it.
But it is their right and their choice. The only minor problem with that
is the issue of capacity. Altered states and biological problems may
lead a person to feel depression or to be in a very intense delusional
state such that they can't understand the nature of reality.
People kill themselves for many reasons and some people may think some
of the reasons are stupid. I admit wanting to kill myself and making a
pathetic attempt when I split up from my first girlfriend. At that
moment though I wanted to die and the whole girlfriend thing was the
last straw. It may have been the low mood caused by a biological problem
but I'd been through much worse lows during my year out before
university when I'd get up at 5am to get to work and get home at 7 or 8.
I'd cry but not know why I was crying. I'd go to my room, turn of the
lights and listen to music on my own after work, eat then sleep then
wake up and go to work. I didn't want to kill myself then. Something had
changed irrespective of the biological component.
I didn't kill myself back then and I still haven't managed to kill
myself yet. I've come very close though. One attempt that ended up with
me being thrown out of home happened a few years ago. I took 5,000mg of
quetapine fulminate. On the internet I'd found out that at least one
person had died from taking 10,000mg. At the time I wanted to die and
was ready to. After I took 5,000mg I went to try and throw them up just
once. It didn't work so I accepted it and went to sleep. The unfortunate
thing is I woke up the next morning. I didn't tell anyone. The next week
I got really drunk and tried again, and that's what ended me up in a
psych ward and thrown out of home. It was because of my debts but again
it was the last straw. I'd wanted to die for a long time. I took on the
debts and spent the money like someone who had no reason to live,
because when I took out the debts I knnew that if things didn't work out
then I'd kill myself.
I wish I died then but I always consider the second attempt later that
year as the significant one. On a Christmas Day morning I lay down in
the road on my local high street and waited for a car to run me over,
and it very nearly did. I regret that I wasn't successful. I did it
because I was going through an usual state of consciousness. I was
becoming aware of the non-corporeal entity, how it controlled my life
and how it controlled me. I was manic too but that wasn't the real
issue. It may not have helped in my reaction to intervention by
services. I ended up sectioned after that attempt.
I can also go through periods of recklessness - it's associated with
mania I think but the feeling is different to the other periods of
mania. I care little for my life anyway but I'll start taking risks. One
of my signs is "dancing with cars" and I hate myself afterwards for it.
I take risks with traffic. I take risks with everything. I've become
more aware of these periods and know what to do when they happen.
There's the day to day grind on life as well. Living without want of a
future changes choices. This piece is quite hard to write so I'm going
to stop here for now. Read the rest of the blog.
Those are a few examples from my life that I hope elucidate on why
people may kill themselves. But I have lived with a desire to die for \
very long time. I'm always on that knife edge. I suck it in and get on
with my life most of the time but it's a harder burden that anyone who
doesn't go through could imagine. I stick a smile on my face and have a
joke to offer during the day but there are many days I've started
wanting death more than anything else.
There are brief periods when I don't feel like I want the earth to
swallow me up and never spit me out. That feeling is so normal for most
people that they don't appreciate such a simple joy.
My survival method is two fold. One is that attitude of resilience and
'deafness' to the suicidal thoughts and feelings. The other is about
making my life useful. I am already dead in a sense but I can do
something with what I have and am. This is very Nietsche and he who has
the why has the how to live. I put my life towards the greater good and
I fail every day but it's all I have to stop me from killing myself when
I get to the edge of the abyss again. And I self-medicate away the rest
of the psychache.
No comments:
Post a Comment