Thoughts on fleeting thoughts of wanting to not exist anymore

Last night I was thinking about something.

It started with a thought that I wished I didn't have to exist anymore.
It wasn't at a suicidal level. Just that feeling of not wanting to exist
for a short moment. I don't consider it a suicidal moment but it's a
precursor to suicide. It's perhaps bad to think that this could be a
normal way to feel briefly but I think a lot of people do feel that way.
It's an expression of feelings of frustration and futility I think.

I noticed it though. In my weird stream of consciousness I thought I
experienced it so I could take the pain away from someone else.

And so last night my thought process led me to thinking if I knew that
they were feeling the same way. This is the 'normal' feeling, not the
suicidal one.

It's not a good place to be if, even fleetingly, a person feels like
that. It is a sorry state of society if it is normal that people feel
like that occasionally.

It could be seen as a warning sign that something isn't right about a
person's life. I'm generally suicidal anyway so I'm well aware my life
isn't right. Other people may be less aware of this pain, in the sense
that they don't acknowledge it as a form of pain and an important one.
If this feeling persisteed then it would get a diagnosis of depression
perhaps and be treated with drugs. The thing is I've been using ddrugs
for ages and they really don't work at a deeper level. They're never the
cure for the mind.

Exploring where the feeling came from s more difficult and may not be
understood in consensus-logical terms.

An important consideration is would the person not feel like that if
they were on a tropical island. I know my answer to that but other
people may have other opinions. It may be the pressures of life for
people other than myself. They can get overwhelming.

These signs can be ignored and many people have to survive. I live with
a varying resilience to a desire to die on top of all the temporary
feelings of wishing I didn't exist or have to wake up again but tempered
by being a total failure at suicide. For myself the fleeting feeling of
wishing the earth would swallow me up is met by indifference in many
forms. There is a simple mantra: just get through it.