I must dismiss it. Its not just that even if it were true. Its that I don't do what I do for self aggrandisement. At least I try not to. Its a dark path. I don't do what I do to do anything but live. I can't allow the false label to be accepted because I fear it would start a path to being a total wanker instead of a partial one.
It is so hard though. Constantly there is a part of me which seems not me which puts this view forward. I which is the I I feel is I has to fight against this. Perhaps that's why I'm so hardened to the outside world. Battling the inside one is practice in a way.
Objectively I'm not a hero. I'm a failure in my goals. I've had little impact or good impact. I'm a tosser a lot of the time. The evidence of lost friendships and loved is enough. I live at home. I am lonely. Obsessed. A poor communicator. A turd you couldn't shine. Those things don't get in the way too much because through all the negativity I can still keep working, producing and fighting what I percieve to be the good fight.
Ultimately I'm probably just a megalomanic who's shit at it. I've been accused of this and I respect those who can see this aspect.
People like Gandhi are real heroes. They perfected the art of fighting without fighting.
I don't even want to be a hero. I want to be a drunk abd a drug addict happy with a high. That shit doesn't work for me. Not in the way I want it to.. my last hope is my work will at least provide me a reason to continue when the everlasting high of addiction didn't.
Who the fuck would even want to be a hero? They're things we see in movies and I admit when I watch them I do. But seriously? The films don't tell the truth.
Gandhi was beaten shitless. He starved and suiffered to make his point. His life was ended by a bullet.
Actually, if that's the end of a hero then damn it. I will work even harder.
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