existed or to exist again.
The endless cessation of consciousness. Oh how beautiful it would be. i
wish I hadn't chosen to wait. I wish I could make this true now. The
eternal sleep. The endless slumber. Silence forever.
Those who want to live have a lucky delusion. For most of my adult life
I've lived with a desire to die and a lack of wanting to live. I have
struggled through this. Few recognised my inner state. I developed a
mask to hide the inner darkness. A smile on the outside and a death wish
on the inside. The duality confused some people but there is nothing
confusing except to simple minds.
It's been months and years of this. The intensity of the desire to not
exist has intensified since my first psychiatric hospitalisation but I
have carried this burden for longer. They called my pain an illness but
it isn't. It's pain.
It's been about a year and a half since I tried to get some help. It's
been about a year since the help was refused. Now I don't need help. I
just need to struggle through these next four years till I can finally
exist no longer. My secret fear is finding a way to live through all
this. The darkest thought is having to live beyond four years.
Continuing consciousness existence till a natural death feels like
accepting a life of torture till death.
The only thing I want is to die and die peacefully, I don't want to live
any more. I don't want to have to fight and struggle nor think nor feel
nor wake ever again.
Instead I have to live through another fucking day.
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