A few weeks ago I contact Dignitas to seek their assistance in terminating my life. The plan is to wait 4 years and in this time I seek to find a way to keep living.
I'd be happy to end my life today but my mood isn't particularly low. There's a figure that 80% of suicides are for mental illness. This is from the work of Edwin Schneidman. There's higher figures quoted. What that means is there is suicide outside mental illness. This is what I'm trying to construct.
Sadly the Swiss government have an injunction in place so Diginitas can't help me. They were my hope and it was dashed.
It doesn't matter. I know so many methods I could write a book on it. It's been hard to bear but I know there are options. There are methods I've used in the past and others. Some have high success rates.
My preference would be a peaceful end, one where my loved ones could be there with me and one I could plan towards. Sadly as a mentally ill person I don't get that right.
The fact is I will take my life regardless of the law or any other barriers. My decision has been made with what I feel is time, contemplation and rational. Though people may not be happy with my decision to me it means peace, finally, from the cycle of life. It means eternal rest.
Deny this right to people with the capacity to make the decision and the determination to carry it out just makes life that little bit worse when I thought it couldn't get any worse.
I've spent the last month since contacting Dignitas to consider what I'm going to do and how it will affect my loved ones. I've become resigned to the fact that I'm a cunt. The period of isolation has been about coming to terms with what I'm proposing to do.
I don't expect people to understand. Most people know me as a happy, arrogant cock who's a laugh in his good times and a pain in his bad ones. Very few ever see the worst times.
I expect no help nor sympathy. I have to get through this journey on my own.
There's been a prevailing theme of harm minimisation in my thoughts. What I mean is how do I minimise the pain of my death? This has been the hardest part. It is horrible what a logical thought process on that topic comes up with as a solution. Virtual emotional isolation. Stopping anything more than fleeting personal connections happening. Reducing the current connections. This is what i'd have to do to protect those who care for me. I don't think I can do it and I don't think it is wise but I'm not sure what else there is given the circumstances.
Another question has been whether I should campaign for the ultimate right to be guaranteed to the subjugated, the mentally ill.
I am angry at yet another right being denied because of a pre-existing history of mental illness. And yet I find it hard, in my heart, to promote a right that means more death. I want my energies to be put into the opposite. The problem is the hypocracy. This is a right I want for myself and I believe I am right.
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