Tuesday 3 August 2010

Do I cut myself, drink or get high?

I haven't had a drink for 4 days now. I've been picking bits of twigs and putting them in my rollups because I've got very little herb left. I haven't cut myself in a long time but it has started again over the past
few weeks. It's ok though. I'm just cutting on top of scars.

I don't usually cut for relief. I cut to fight the controlling force in my life but I had to hit my head against a wall a couple of times just now to get some relief. No bruises though so don't worry.
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2 comments:

  1. Anonymous4 August 2010 at 09:05

    Don't hit your head, hit something else instead because people need your head. Go to a gym and hit a boxing punch bag. Hit it till you've given that controlling force a good hiding. Run a half marathon till you've beaten it.
    Don't cut yourself, cut one of your twigs instead of smoking them. They make wood carvings out of twigs down in the Devon commune.
    Look after yourself. People care about you even when you can't care for yourself.
    K.

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  2. we4 August 2010 at 10:53

    Thank you K. I appreciate it.

    But there is nothing here to care for.

    Those are great alternatives to self harm. Thank you for the suggestions. I'm not going to take them onboard.

    The controlling force, or god, has already destroyed my life time and again. I really don't think safe coping mechanisms are the point.

    The cutting shows the force the damage and harm it is doing to me. Hitting a punch bag doesn't show the non-corporeal entity in the same way.

    Thank you for your concern. Really. But I've been living and surviving with this for years. If you understood what it was like then you'd understand why I want to die so badly. This is the pain behind the mask that I live with every day.

    A

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About Me

We It comes in part from an appreciation that no one can truly sign their own work. Everything is many influences coming together to the one moment where a work exists. The other is a begrudging acceptance that my work was never my own. There is another consciousness or non-corporeal entity that helps and harms me in everything I do. I am not I because of this force or entity. I am "we"