I am a rapist

I think.

I fucked up. Not through mental illness but through the evil person I
am. Tonight I want to kill myself for the memory that was triggered this
evening but I haven't. I am not sure I can fix it - the rape. It doesn't
matter. Tomorrow I attempt to start something I believe in and for some
reason this evening something was triggered. I have to go through with
it but there is nothing left in my self-belief now.

I raped someone many years ago. There is no excuse for what I did. I
want someone to kill me tonight. This way is a different way to do it,
to destroy everything I hope.

I don't want to go into the details but I have to confess. I remember
being at a friend's party. I ended up talking to a girl and as the night
went on...nothing happened. But I was really drunk at the end of the
night and tried to have sex with her. She didn't want it but I didn't
understand so I just kept on going. I didn't penetrate her but that
doesn't matter. I forced her my need for intimacy on her. I was too
drunk or too quasi-autistic to understand that her passiveness wasn't
acceptance.

This was over a decade ago and I don't know why the memory came to me
tonight. Perhaps because tomorrow morning I want to start a mental
health charity and god still hates me. I needed to remember what a
worthless piece of shit I am, a stinking wretch that I would wring from
existence.

I didn't rape her because of mental illness. I raped her because I'm a
dumb cunt. I want to kill myself for what I did but it serves no
purpose. There is nothing I can do. I am attempting to get in contact
with her tonight through email but I'd rather step into the road than
accept forgiveness that could come from this process. I have no idea how
I hurt her. I have no idea what damage I did to her and her sexuality. I
barely remember what happened that night but enough to know, tonight,
that I shouldn't be in mental health nor running a charity. I should
pick up the ball and pistol and place it to my temple.

I want her forgiveness. But I could never accept it. I've thought of
solutions. A vow of celibacy for example. But that would make little
difference to me. A vow of poverty. That would be better than I have
now. My life's work for whatever she wants. Maybe that is a solution.

I put this statement out on my blog so I can be hated. It's the least I
can do to myself for my greatest evil.

I deserve to be hated and vilified.

I don't deserve to live.