suicidality. It's hard to communicate it for a number of reasons.
The most important thing to remember is when I'm suicidal I rarely talk
about it. It's usually when I'm in a safer place that I'm ok to open up
about it. In my darkest times people just don't hear from me.
When I say I know I'm going to kill myself it's a belief that I will
take my own life one day. My battle with the non-corporeal entity in my
life is not going to end. We have peace at the moment but it doesn't
mean it will last forever. Nothing does.
It's hard to talk about with because other people haven't been through
what I've been through. My suicidality is complex and relates to suicde
attempts before I experienced psychosis. I think my earliest attempt was
at 19 or 20 but it wasn't a very good one. I'd wanted to die when I was
a child of course but I'd never thought about killing myself.
It's pretty normal for me to have thoughts of wanting to kill myself
(which I'm differentiating from thoughts of wanting to die but for many
people there may not be a relevance in the separation of concepts). I've
had those desires for a large part of my adult life. Other people have
wanted to die and experienced prolonged periods where they may want to
act on those desires too. Roughly 17% of the UK population will feel
like that at some point in their lives.
It's changed my life and how I live my life. But then it's obvious that
getting to the point where a person is ready to take their life is
something that's going to do that. I was never particularly normal but
it's made me even less so, except in certain microcultures where other
people have been through similar experiences. Thankfully being weird is
not an illness.
The hardest problem is existing between those two somewhat discrete
cultures, one where I can talk about it as if it was normal and one
where I can't. The greatest problem I have with the latter is the result
is usually compassion. It's what I'd hope it would be for someone else,
especially someone who's going through it for the first time. It's not
what I want though because I'm used to it. It's like getting compassion
for being able to walk.
The last paragraph may not make sense to some people. What I'm trying to
express is that people who talk about suicide and their suicidality may
not be looking to kill themselves nor for help or compassion because of
their suicidality. They may just be genuinely communicating with no
hidden agenda. I think I may get misinterpreted as someone who seeks
help by saying they're suicidal when in fact I may seek help when I'm
suicidal but I usually want no help for my desire to die. It's why I
have this blog but if I put all my thoughts on here then I don't get
them out in the real world and tell people my inner most thoughts in
real life.
That last sentence may not make sense but...grrr....this could go on all
night. I should probably get some sleep now.
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